As I Wait...

Help Me Breathe

2011-12-10T01:08:00.000-06:00

The weight I'm under
I scarce can move
Alone, surrounded
Consumed, by you

I need you to help me
need you to help me breathe
Ooo, wohh, wohh
I need you to help me breathe
Ooo, ohhh, ohhh
ohhh, ohh, take me in

Hold me, a little bit closer
a little while longer, in your arms
Take me a little bit deeper
you are life to my soul

Ooo, ohhh, ohhh
ohhhh, ohh, take me in

Hungry - Victory World Music

2011-11-09T01:17:00.001-06:00

We are still
and we wait for you
we are quiet
and we hear your voice
I am weary, and I long for more of you

Hungry
after your own heart
God come on in, God come on in
Hungry
after your own heart
God come on in, God come on in

Your blood,
it saves me from myself
Your life
it leads me to my knees
Your love
it takes me deeper
into your presence

Hungry
after your own heart
God come on in, God come on in
Hungry
after your own heart
God come on in, God come on in

We want more
we open the door
let your glory come in
let your glory come in

Hungry
after your own heart
God come on in, God come on in
Hungry
after your own heart
God come on in, God come on in

Lovelorn

2011-11-07T20:38:00.001-06:00

My heart jumps out of my chest when you are around. I don't know how to act.
How to play it cool. To just be the person I am. I feel like I'm walking on thin ice.

Although I don't know why, you barely look me in the eyes.
You don't say anything to me. You don't even acknowledge I'm there.

We have brief encounters; like the text conversation yesterday.
You acted like you normally do, flirting with me, in that way.
That entices me in. It's like a drug.
I'm addicted to you.

I see you, week after week.
What's rolled into months now.
After that one night, way back when.
I remember how good you smelled, the vest you had on.
The dimple in your chin. My favorite feature.
The words you said. How close you held me.

I
f
    e
      l
        l
for you. Literally.

But you said what I didn't want to hear.
In that moment, all my fears I had, came to life.
You crushed me. I hated you in that moment.
I wanted to cry, but no tears came.

I hate being so in like with you.
I pray; hours turn into days, days into months.
This heartache seems only to grow stronger.
What do I do?

Will you ever feel the same?
Will you ever chase me?
Will your eyes ever be opened?

Or will it just be some lesson I was supposed to learn?
Some school girl crush that will eventually dissipate?

I'm a woman though.
Bold, confident, strong.
I know what I want.
It's you.

What do you want?

My life...

2011-08-16T20:44:00.003-05:00

Walking, working, barely breathing
My thoughts, far away
Heart aching, mind racing
Sleep does not come easily, nor last long....
~Peter Winstanley

He Wants It All....

2011-08-08T22:14:00.000-05:00

There's a voice that cries out in the silence
Searching for a heart that will love Him
Longing for a child that will give Him their all
Give it all, He wants it all
And there's a God that walks over the earth
He's searching for a heart that is desperate
And longing for a child
That will give Him their all
Give it all, He wants it all

And He says love me, love me with your whole heart
He wants it all today
Serve me, serve me with your life now
Bow down, let go of your idols
He wants it all today [x3]
So give it all

And there's a God that walks over the earth
He's searching for a heart that is desperate
Longing for a child that will give Him their all
Give it all, He wants it all

And he says love me, love me with your whole heart
He wants it all today
Serve me, serve me with your life now
He wants it all today
Bow down, let go of your idols
He wants it all today [x3]
He wants all of you

More of you, more of you
He wants it all today, oh oh oh oh
More of you, more of you
He wants it all today, oh oh oh oh
More of you, more of you
He wants it all today, today, today
He wants it all today [x2]
So give it all

There's a voice that cries out in the silence
Searching for a heart that will love him
Longing for a child that will give him their all
Give it all
He wants it all

He Wants It All - Forever Jones

New Year & New Mercies; Same burdens - just amplified!

2011-01-21T23:25:00.001-06:00

Yea, so I'm sure you've noticed, but I totally gave up the 30-day blog challenge. Oh well, what can you do?

Started several (new) things this week/month:

Classes started Tuesday. EEK...I am braving 3 classes this semester. Art Appreciation, English Comp I (for the third time no less) and Intermediate Algebra. Ugh I hate taking a class that doesn't count towards my degree. Looks like it's gonna be a heavy load semester.
We started a 20 days of Prayer and Fasting on January 10th.

Week 1 - I was sick with the flu, I can't even remember much of that week to be honest.
Week 2 - I am coming out of - and it's been most enlightening and ultimately refreshing for my spirit and soul.
Week 3 - Starts Monday, and I'm expecting and anticipating great things!

I had an interview with an Administrative placement company called OfficeTeam. I genuinely impressed my interviewer.

He was astounded that I've been with the same company since the age of 16; almost 10 years (this August). He said he's never seen that kind of commitment in well someone my age, or hardly anyone for that matter.
I had to take a typing test, an Excel test, and a PowerPoint test. I aced all three of course; to the extent he kept saying "wow, wow" because my scores were so high. He again, said he'd never seen scores that high on the tests. Especially since I did all three in under 30 minutes. Woot, go me!

Anyways, just a few tidbits of updated information for those few, and far between who read my blog.

I'm excited as to what 2011 will entail, and I have high hopes of the blessings God is going to pour out on my life this year. I know he's promised that he would never let me down; and I believe this year is going to be a great one. I can't wait for doors to open, and dreams to unfold. Lord don't ever let me become so caught up in life, I lose sigh of you. You are all I live for.

Song that's been on my heart the past few weeks...

Well Done - Deitrick Haddon
Just wanna make it to heaven
I just wanna make it in
I just wanna cross that river
I wanna be free from sin
Oo, I just want my name written(Oh Lord)
Written in the lambs Book of Life
When this life is over
I just wanna have eternal life
O wanna hear Him say

Well done, well done, well done
You can come on in.

2010-12-05T00:14:00.000-06:00

My day:
Well this one should be easy right?! haha...

Well since I didn't get home until almost 2:45 am haha I slept until 11am. Which I kinda wish I hadn't of, it gave me a horrid headache most of the day. Regardless, I got up, cooked me some lunch: fish sticks and sweet tator' fries. YUM Then I puttered around the house with Mom and Dad while they put Christmas trains every where all over the house. Mom said "well if we're gonna have them in the living room, we might as well have them everywhere else". So that's what we did...they are even in the bathroom. Haha....seriously Mom! Hilarious.

Then I left for a meeting at the church for the Gift Wrapping shop we're holding in the Northeast Mall this month. I think I yawned 1,234 times during that meeting. Nevertheless I stayed until it was over, and then left.

Then Mom and I went out...we went to Dillards, Ulta, DSW, and then Walmart. Yay for going to Walmart with Mom....free food baby! We then got home about 5:30p, and we cooked some shrimp, squash, zuccinni, and this vegtable mix of: potatos, navy beans and various other veggies/spices that was VERY good for dinner.

Now here I am - about to head off into slumber land. Ready for church tomorrow! Glorious Saturday I believe.

2010-12-03T16:57:00.000-06:00

My definition of love:
This one is kind of hard for me. I dunno why...but his Word describes love the best. I like The Message version, it always puts things in more present day terms. But it's my best definition of what love truly is. I only know His love, and the love from family and friends. I don't know that heart-mate love yet. Someday soon, I'll be able to describe love in that certain capacity.

1 Corinthians 13:4-6 (The Message)

^3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

   Love never gives up.
   Love cares more for others than for self.
   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
   Love doesn't strut,
   Doesn't have a swelled head,
   Doesn't force itself on others,
   Isn't always "me first,"
   Doesn't fly off the handle,
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn't revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end.

Love isn't easy. In any capacity, but I don't think that it should be. I also see love in his eyes, of he loved me enough to go to the Cross for me. He loved me enough to bury my sins far, far away. He loves me enough to correct me when I'm wrong. He loves me enough to give me wisdom and guidance when I need it. He carries me, when I cannot carry myself. That is true love. Lord break my heart of the things that, breaks your heart.

2010-12-02T22:14:00.000-06:00

What I ate today:

This post is for sure to make me look like a heifer haha...

No breakfast; but for lunch: Tuna fish sandwich.

(photo not of my actual sandwich)

Funyuns of course:

A few Hershey kisses after lunch:

Then when I got home from work; before I went to school: An Eggo

After school at like 8:30: I had some egg whites, and a few small tomatoes from Mom's garden! So GOOD. I couldn't eat just one. Good thing they're small. haha

(photo not Mom's actual garden)

There you have it. What I ate today. This post was SO interesting. HAHA

2010-12-01T10:33:00.000-06:00

Your Parents:
I have the best parents a gal can have! No, seriously I do...look at them back in the day! Aren't they just so cute?!

I actually think my Mom was pregnant with me in this photograph.

I owe so much to my parents. They've trained and helped me grow up in the truth.
They've guided me, corrected me, helped me, loved me regardless and trained me up in the way I should go. I still live with my parents...what?! You're 25!! Yes I know....but I work full-time, am involved in ministry full-time, and go to school 6-9 hours a semester. I'm a busy gal! Plus with my whole job situation, consistency is key, not pay-rate unfortunately. That's for another story on a different blog post. Regardless, I'm so glad that my parents have supported me all of these years. I am forever in debt to them, and I cannot even began to think of the day that the unthinkable happens: age. With age comes health, or lack of. I pray that I continue to bless my parents in every thing I do, and every way that I can. With all my heart, Mom & Dad, I love you!

Christmas 2009!

2010-11-30T12:23:00.001-06:00

My first love:
My first love....oh where to begin. When I first read this day, I was like "umm...first love? really?" But then I began to reminisce on my first true love, Jesus Christ. Oh what a love it is for him. I don't really remember much about my childhood faith so to speak, except the story below about how I felt I received his Holy Spirit at the young age of 8. I know that I just loved him, I trusted him, I had faith in what he could do.

I think that I truly, like wholeheartedly fell in love with him closer to the age of 23. I'm sure you're thinking what? You're crazy, you've been in church since you were born. All facts, but one simple thing remains....love isn't at first sight. Love comes progressively I think. I believe you can "fall" into love, but not "fall in love at first sight." The older I get, the more I continue to fall in love with him, over and over and over, and over again.

Since my blog has mostly been about lyrics these days here are some lyrics of a song that The Gateway College of Evangelism sang. It's called Love Song, and one of my all time favorite Gateway Students Ashley Stewart sings the solo and she sings with such anointing you feel it in your soul. This song has so much meaning for me, so many thoughts behind it, and it's a song that's so personal to me. It truly walked me thru falling in love with my Jesus.

Snippet from Love Song - Gateway College of Evangelism

This is a love song to my friend
Above, he's the one
who looked beyond all my faults
and showed me real love.
He loved me back into life,
he loved me despite the price.
He cares for me, really cares for me.
That's why I love him deeply.
See, so many came into my life
and they left me with a broken heart.
But never again, for now I know
who loves me the most, and
I'll never go back again.
From the bottom of my heart, to the depths of my soul.
I love you

2010-11-29T20:20:00.000-06:00

Introduce myself:
Hi, I'm Jennifer, I reside in Texas. As of right now I am 25 years old. I currently work full-time, go to school part-time, and work full-time ministry wise for my church. I am currently single (God's working on that haha) and I am trusting his plan...even when I can't see it.

I repented of my sins at the age of 8, begging God to infill me with his Holy Spirit. I was having a slumber party, with a bunch of girlfriends, and we began having a prayer meeting. I believe I received the Holy Ghost at that young age, but it wasn't until later at the age of 13, that I truly heard myself speak in other tongues as the spirit gave the utterance. I was baptized around that age to; I don't quite remember my age, just going down in a watery grave.

I work for CVS/Caremark as a full-time office Manager for a District Manager & a Rx Supervisor. In other words, I am the boss (which my bosses will tell you that). I do everything that an admin could do in an office, and then some. I've worked for CVS since I turned 16. Which it was then known as Eckerd's; then in 2004 CVS/Pharmacy bought Eckerd's out; which then I believe in 2006, Caremark merged with us, and we became CVS/Caremark. This is the first and only company I've worked with, and I love having that record on my resume. Sometime (although not now unfortunately) that record is going to pay off and land me a brand spankin' new gig with better pay, and less boredom!

I also own (well I dunno if you can say own - but I rock it anyway) a small graphic design company I call "The J Original's". I came up with that name after I did actually a first Art piece, not an illustration piece, when my friend Desiree, quoted when someone asked her about the Art piece, "it's a Jennifer original". Thus the name "The J Original's" came about. I love ALL Art, and I love doing hands-on Art pieces, and I love to do graphic art pieces. I believe that it's not just a talent God has given me, but a gift.

Anyways there is just a tad insight to my wonderous, full, crazy, full of laughter life.
Keep reading for days: 2 - 30! You'll be amazed!

2010-11-29T20:03:00.000-06:00

I found this on a blog thru a blog I read occasionally and decided to go for it. I don't blog enough, but when I do it's deep. Or I think haha...but here I go....I'm gonna start Day 1 in a new blog post.

Day 01 – Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love
Day 03 – Your parents
Day 04 – What you ate today
Day 05 – Your definition of love
Day 06 – Your day
Day 07 – Your best friend
Day 08 – A moment
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – What you wore today
Day 11 – Your siblings
Day 12 – What’s in your bag
Day 13 – This week
Day 14 – What you wore today
Day 15 – Your dreams
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favorite memory
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret
Day 20 – This month
Day 21 – Another moment
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – A first
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favorite place
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Your aspirations
Day 30 – One last moment

Breathtaking

2010-11-19T22:50:00.005-06:00

I'm so captivated by hot air balloons. They are so breathtakingly beautiful to me. I don't really know why, or how I got pulled in by their beauty. But for as long as I can remember, I am just blown away with them. I'm not sure if I'd ever want to ride in one; it would just depend on who was with me.

Seeing pictures of them, puts a pang in my heart though. I know sounds lame, but alas it does. See I have this dream one day, to be at a hot air balloon show, or to be surprised with tickets to see one, or ride in one with the man of my dreams. I, like any other girl I'm sure, has a list of perfect dates. Hot air balloons are on that list for me; among a billion other things I won't share.

As I lay here tonight, with SO many things on my mind in the past few days, I can't help but wonder when my turn will come.

Will my heart ever be so full of love, and emotion for him that I don't know how to contain it? Will I have date, after perfect date that genuinely surprise me as the events turn out?
Will he appear soon, or in several years, or at all?

It's so hard to watch everyone run by me in this particular race. Some days there really are no words as to what I'm feeling. The pangs in my heart, the gut wrenching feeling I feel. Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed with it, that I seriously have no words to express it. Like I can't even pray to God about it, because words just truly aren't enough.

I wonder around day to day dreaming, hoping, wishing, praying for him. I genuinely do pray for him. That he's blessed where he is, that he is blessing others, that he is putting God first and foremost above all. I meet people, and wonder is it you? Or is it you? Even now currently, I see someone I relate to on so many levels, and I just wonder is it him God?

But I don't know, I can't see end, I can't see the answer and I worry. It's not that I don't trust, because I do, I have to being 25, and single. I know he has a plan, and so I wait. As I wait, none of these feelings dissipate. Sometimes I think they intensify. I will wait for him Lord, I will not settle. I refuse, because you have him perfect for me. My help meet.

2010-11-18T19:42:00.001-06:00

I know that I just recently met you, well sort of...
But I can't help how you have made me feel
I have a bit of a crush on you
And that's all I got to say.

Why did it happen?
I do not know
Do I regret it?
No I don't

Don't judge me for what I'm feeling
But some how I find myself liking you
I don't know how it happened,
and there is nothing I can do about it
But I do hope you make a move

Love is [my] color

2010-10-30T01:26:00.002-05:00

Just when you think it's over
You're hit with a brand new start
And you found out right there within you
That you never lost that spark.
Love is your color...
It makes you shine,
So show your color
It comes from inside.
Some say
But Love is your color,
It makes you shine
Sometimes it's hard to cope
But you'll always know
It's your color
It comes from inside
Everything else is black and white
Love is
Your color
Love is a force that we can't hold back like
Love is a friend
That will hold your hand
Always right there by your side.
Love is a color,
Oh it makes you shine
I know
(I know)
I know
Show your color

Love is Your Color - Leona Lewis & Jennifer Hudson
[Coming back to write about this song later.]

Here [I am] Lord, Send [me]

2010-10-01T22:30:00.000-05:00

I watched a bit of General Conf. 2010 online tonight - and tonight was the Home Mission's Service, and from the like half hour I watched, whew some of the things I listened to humbled me.

I'm going thru a period right now in my life, of transition, of change. I feel it, I know it's coming. I am focusing on taking care of some stuff I've been putting off for well, years. It's NOT easy, and it's causing havoc to my social life, but I think it's been needed. I know I'm not focusing on my peers so to speak, but I feel that I need to back away for a bit. I don't really know how to explain it.

Change is so hard - good change can even be hard. He said it wouldn't be easy, and whew it sure isn't. But you have to go thru pain to appreciate not having pain.

For the rest of 2010, I'm truly going to diligently seek him. I'm going to pray more, read his word more, worship more, and truly seek that secret place with him often. I've taken for granted it so much. Sometimes you just have to break free and focus on yourself, and I don't think that's selfish, because if I'm not in his plan, in his will - how can he use me to reach, teach, help others?

I found this song tonight on iTunes, and it's SO powerful. It's def. my repeat song for the remainder of the weekend.

I will seek your face in all I do Lord is my prayer from now on; and I don't mean in just [spiritual] things so to speak, in every place I go, everything I put before my eyes, everything I listen to, everyone I am friends with. I will seek his face in ALL that I do - daily.

Seek Your Face - Coffey Anderson

If my people who are called by my name
would humble themselves and pray
Seek my face, turn from their ways
I will heal your land anyway
thus saith the Lord

How can I stop
from worshiping you
How can I quit
after all the things you do
I will lay down in your hands
as the clay

I will seek your face

Here I am you can send me oh Lord
I am available
You called out my name
took my shame
My hands are clean, no sin remains
and I am yours

How can I stop
from worshiping you
How can I quit
after all the things you do
I will lay down in your hands
as the clay

I will seek your face

I've been searching far and wide,
I've been looking for you Jesus
Can you find me Lord
Can you find me Jesus

Here I am, here I am

2010-09-17T15:20:00.000-05:00

Found my Wedding Song - For that day sometime soon.

If you've ever been in love, then you will understand the sweet mystery
Between a man and a woman
Truly a phenomenon - just how it comes to be
Oh out of all the people in this world,
You were meant for me
And out of all the plans He has for you
I'm a part of your destiny

And I want the world to know
That you are the only one
Baby it's incredible, just how you make me feel
Our God has been so generous I couldn't ask for any more
It was you that He made me for and I love you

Tell me do you really know
Just what it means when I say "forever"
I will settle for eternity
Just to see your spirit free
Every time we are together

I can't imagine how my life would be if I had to do it without you
Oh baby can't you see, I'll do anything
Whatever it takes to prove

And I want the world to know
That you are the only one
Baby it's incredible, just how you make me feel
Our God has been so generous I couldn't ask for any more
It was you that He made me for and I love you

It couldn't be a better time
For you to come into my life
The Father knew just what I would need when
He gave you to me
And I realize - our love was written in the skies
It's as unchanging as the beautiful sunrise
I see heaven when I look in your eyes
And baby heaven is forever…

The Only One - Ayiesha Woods

He Understands

2010-09-02T21:35:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like giving up
It seems like my best just ain't good enough
Lord if you hear me, I'm calling you
Do you see, do you care all about what I'm going through
And then he says, one more day, one more step
See I'm preparing you for myself
And when you can't hear my voice, please trust my plan
I'm the Lord, I see and yes I understand

But sometimes I feel like I'm all alone
I'm just like a stranger so far from home
I feel like I've done all that I can do
Please Lord give me strength, I'm just trying to make it through
That's when he told me one more day, one more step
See I'm preparing you for myself
And if you can't hear my voice, please trust my plan
I'm the Lord I see you and yes I understand

He knows how much we can bear
And in the time of trouble he promised he would always be there
I understand
The Lord is telling you yes I understand
I am the Lord I see you and yes I understand

I am the Lord I changeth not
I won't forget nor have I forgot
You see every thing works according to my plan
I am God, trust me, I got the whole world in my hand

One more day, one more step
I'm preparing you all for myself
And you can't hear me speaking, just trust my plan
I'm the Lord I see you and yes I understand
I'm the Lord I see and yes I understand
I am the Lord I see what you're going through
Every problem, every trial, every burden, every situation
I understand, I won't leave you
I understand, understand, understand

I Understand - Smokie Norful
(thanks to my friend Rache for this wonderful song and the reminder.)

Hunger

2010-08-24T23:35:00.004-05:00

Memory Lane

2010-08-01T01:57:00.000-05:00

The letter below is to someone I've lost. Lost to just the timing, and to the way things worked at a certain time in my life. If you're reading this, please don't pry as to whom the letter is written, as it's a very sensitive and nostalgic memory.

Dear SB,

Hello dear old friend,

As I lay here, not the first, and probably will not be the last time, thinking of you, my mind drifts back. I drift back to when I met you, how we cautiously flirted back and forth, day after day, week after week and what soon turned into month after month. I remember how you drove 45 minutes out of your way one night to a 24hr place of business just to talk to me, because my phone was not in service. You never judged, ever.

I drift down memory lane, after memory lane. There are so many. So many I know I don't remember them all. I remember how you'd slip your phone into your pocket as you returned back to base. I remember you tricking me into thinking you could play "Fur Elise" on your piano, when in truth you just pushed a button to make it auto play it. I remember how much laughter we had each time we had a conversation. I remember having to get up early for work one day, and you called me, even though you were 2 hours ahead of me, you awoke 2 hours early just to call me and make sure I was awake. I'll never ever forget my surprise that morning, seeing your name show up on my caller id. I remember the card you sent me for "Ground Hog's Day". It was random, sweet, perfect. I say with sincere regret, that I've lost that card; although I'll never, ever forget it.

You always pushed me into bettering myself, even though you never even had to say a thing. Just knowing you, talking to you, trusting you I yearned to be better at everything I did. I yearned to know God more, I yearned to be better on my job, yearned to love family and friends more.

Now here I sit, something triggers the nostalgia, which comes so much it seems. I sit and reminisce back to that certain time in my life. It's been more than 4 years I think now, since that time and I look back wondering if my mistake in letting you go was my own stupidity or if it was truly God. I hope that doesn't sound bad. I regret letting you go. I truly do, it was the biggest mistake of my life. I hate that I regret it, because I know God has a plan, that even I cannot see. I continually pray for guidance, and comfort, every single time I am reminded of you. Because it hurts, it hurts to think about that time in my life, and letting you go. I pray to God to take away the pain, and the regret, the worry, the wonder. Wondering why it happened the way it did, and if we would ever know again. No one understands why I still think of you, am reminded of you, thus the reason for this letter. Just an expression of my inner thoughts on the nostalgia that engulfs me tonight.

I pray that wherever you are, that you are blessed and highly favored in Christ. I know he is using you in ways you'd probably never have imagined. I pray you seek his face each day, and gain wisdom in all that you do. I will never, ever forget you. I think you for the times we shared, the laughs we shared, all the conversations we shared. You set the bar high.

Love always,

Jennifer

Beautiful Lord - you are!

2010-07-05T20:32:00.001-05:00

Here, before Your altar,
I am letting go of all I've held
of every motive, every burden,
everything that's of myself.
and I just wanna wait on You my God
I just wanna dwell on who You are.

beautiful, beautiful oh I am lost for more to say
beautiful, beautiful oh Lord, You're beautiful to me

oh beautiful

here in Your presence,
I am not afraid of brokenness
to wash Your feet with humble tears
oh I would be poured out till nothing's left.
and I just wanna wait on You my God
I just wanna dwell on who You are, who You are

Beautiful, beautiful oh I am lost for more to say
beautiful, beautiful oh Lord, You're beautiful to me

oh Lord You're beautiful, beautiful beautiful
holy holy holy You are You are
holy holy holy You are You are
holy holy holy You are You are
holy holy holy You are You are

beautiful, beautiful oh I am lost for more to say
beautiful, beautiful oh Lord, You're beautiful to me

and I just wanna wait on You my God
I just wanna dwell on who You are.

Alabaster Worship

2010-07-05T10:55:00.002-05:00

The room grew still
As she made her way to Jesus
She stumbles through the tears that made her blind
She felt such pain
Some spoke in anger
Heard folks whisper
There's no place here for her kind
Still on she came
Through the shame that flushed her face
Until at last, she knelt before his feet
And though she spoke no words
Everything she said was heard
As she poured her love for the Master
From her box of alabaster

Refrain

And I've come to pour
My praise on Him
Like oil from Mary's alabaster box
Don't be angry if I wash his feet with my tears
And I dry them with my hair
You weren't there the night He found me
You did not feel what I felt
When he wrapped his love all around me and
You don't know the cost of the oil
In my alabaster box

I can't forget the way life used to be
I was a prisoner to the sin that had me bound
And I spent my days
Poured my life without measure
Into a little treasure box
I'd thought I'd found
Until the day when Jesus came to me
And healed my soul
With the wonder of His touch
So now I'm giving back to Him
All the praise He's worthy of
I've been forgiven
And that's why
I love Him so much

Refrain

And I've come to pour
My praise on Him
Like oil from Mary's alabaster box
Don't be angry if I wash his feet with my tears
And dry them with my hair (my hair)
You weren't there the night Jesus found me
You did not feel what I felt
When He wrapped his loving arms around me and
You don't know the cost of the oil
Oh, you don't know the cost of my praise
You don't know the cost of the oil
In my alabaster box

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/cece_winans/#share

How Can I Say Thanks

2010-06-03T23:24:00.000-05:00

How can say thanks, for the things
you have done for me,
Things so undeserved,
yet you gave to prove your love for me.
And the voices of a million angels,
Could not express my gratitude
all that I am and ever hope to be
I owe it all to thee.

To God be the glory
For the things he has done,
he has done.

Just let me live my life
let it be pleasing LORD to thee,
Should I gain any praise let it go to Calvary.

To God be the glory
For the things he has done,
With his blood he has saved me
with his power he has raised me
to God be the glory,
For the things he has done,
He has done.

He has done great things // yeah

How great is our God
sing with me
How great is our God
and all will see
how great, how great, is our God //

Our God, our God,
How great is our God.

How can say thanks for the things
you have done for me…

My Tribute Medley - Israel Houghton

God Speaking

2010-05-15T02:08:00.000-05:00

Have you ever heard a love song that
Set your spirit free
Have you ever watched a sunrise and
Felt you could not breathe
What if it's Him
What if it's God speaking

Have you ever cried a tear that
You could not explain
Have you ever met a stranger
Who already knew your name
What if it's Him
What if it's God speaking

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us
Get our attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use
Whatever He wants to
To tell us "I love you"

Have you ever lost a loved one
Who you thought should still be here
Do you know what it feels like
To be tangled up in fear
What if He's somehow involved
What if He's speaking through it all

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us
Get our attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use
Whatever He wants to
To tell us "I love you"

His ways are higher
His ways are better
Though sometimes strange
What could be stranger
Than God in a manger

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us
Get our attention to prove He is enough
Who knows how He'll get a hold of you
Get your attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use
Whatever He wants to
To tell us "I love you"

God is speaking
"I love you"

God Speaking - Haley Masters

Praise You Forever!

2010-03-20T02:06:00.000-05:00

OH MY WORD! I just bought the new Marvin Sapp CD and it's UH-mazing!

This song man there are no words - I love any song about praise! Cus Praise is what I DO!
It has AMAZING piano on this song....I love, love songs with lottttts of piano in them! Like specifc piano, not just the actual music of the song...Been a while since a song has reached my heart and soul, like this one has. I've longed for these night time moments of songs! They've been too far and few between! Thank you Lord! I will seek you forever, until I'm with you forever!

This cd came out on Tuesday, so I had to transpose the words by listening to the song! I'm just that good! [wink]

Praise You Forever - Marvin Sapp
I will praise you forever, forever and a day.
How long is forever?
I'll find out because I will stay,
in your presence, singing forever.
Forever and a day; cus I'm dedicated to giving you all of the praise.
Oooo I will forever be in awe of your glory, glory.

I am searching for, more of you oh Lord.
I am thirsty for, a touch from you oh Lord.
I'm waiting to spend my whole life,
loving you forever, loving you forever.

I will seek you forever, forever and a day.
And when you speak to me, I will follow whatever you say.
In your presence dancing forever, forever and a day.
And Lord I will follow every word that I hear that you say,
and I'll forever be in debt of your goodness, goodness.

I am searching for, more of you oh Lord.
I am thirsty for, a touch from you oh Lord.
I'm waiting to spend my whole life,
loving you forever, loving you forever.

I'm grateful, forever
You're faithful, forever
I'm grateful, forever
You're faithful, forever!

2010-01-09T21:02:00.001-06:00

there's a saying old
says that love is blind
still we're often told
"seek and ye shall find"
so I'm going to seek a certain lad i've had
in mind

looking everywhere
haven't found him yet
he's the big affair
i cannot forget
only man i ever think of
with regret

I'd like to add his initials to my monogram
tell me where is the shepherd
for this lost lamb

there's a somebody I'm longing to see
i hope that he
turns out to be
someone to watch over me

I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood
i know i could
always be good
to one who'll watch over me

although he may not be the man some girls think of
as handsome
to my heart
he carries the key

wont you tell him please to put on some speed
follow my lead
oh how i need
someone to watch over me
someone to watch over me

What Matters Most [Ayiesha Woods]

2009-12-27T21:26:00.000-06:00

You ask me where does my joy lie
I tell you in all that I do for Christ
You want to know how I am fulfilled
I tell you in doing my Father's will
You think it strange when I tell you
That it's what I live for and die if I have to
There's nothing more satisfying than knowing I'm pleasing
The one who matters most

So if I make you smile
And the words that I sing make you feel better
Then I know that it's all worth while
'Cause nothing completes me more than doing what matters most

Your will is planned ‘til the end of time
How I fit in only you define
The meaning for my existence
I can't deny you - no room for resistance, no
The only one who makes sense of it all
Still trying to understand why my name you've called
But I'm created to praise you
It's what I'm made for and it's what I'll do

So if I make you smile
And the words that I sing make you feel better
Then I know that it's all worth while
'Cause nothing completes me more than doing what matters most

Every day, I'll awaken my [praise]

2009-11-09T14:30:00.000-06:00

You Are Good [Gateway Worship]

Your kindness leads me to repentance
Your goodness draws me to Your side
Your mercy calls me to be like You
Your favor is my delight
Every day, I'll awaken my praise
And pour out a song from my heart

You are good, You are good
You are good, and Your mercy is forever
You are good, You are good
You are good, and Your mercy is forever
You are good, and Your mercy is forever

Your kindness leads me to repentance
Your goodness draws me to Your side
Your mercy calls me to be like You
Your favor is my delight
Every day, I'll awaken my praise
And pour out a song from my heart

You are good, You are good
You are good, and Your mercy is forever
You are good, You are good
You are good, and Your mercy is forever

You are good, You are good
You are good, and Your mercy is forever
You are good, You are good
You are good, and Your mercy is forever

Your kindness is forever, Your goodness is forever
Your mercy is forever, forever
Your kindness is forever, Your goodness is forever
Your mercy is forever, forever

Whew - this song as me today. I heard it at camp and had forgotten about it, but TBC sang it Friday night at the rally.

He is so good. My heart calls out for him. Come consume me Lord. That's my prayer the past few days, is Lord consume my heart, my mind, my voice, my hands.

It's also my prayer for the backsliders - that the Lord will reconsume their hearts. My heart aches for those who've turned away from him. If they could only know the trueness of his mercy, and his kindness.

Gonna Have It [Just Like This]

2009-10-31T01:51:00.000-05:00

Omg! I found the song I'm walking down the aisle too someday!
It says it perfectly, even though I don't even know him yet! (I don't think I do anyways haha)

Just Like This [Holly Brook]

it's something in a song
it sure does belong**
i am falling and there is nothing i can do
its come to here and now
don't matter why or how
my heart is dancing now
and it's all because of you
i cant believe it's true

i always dreamed of it
i always wanted it
i always hoped that it
would be just like this, just like this
i never thought i would
i never had it so good
i never knew i could
have it just like this, just like this

something in your eyes
made me realize
what i'm feeling and i just cant get enough
you opened up the door to everything and more
the world is spinning and its all because of you
i can't believe it's true

**I couldn't find these lyrics online - so I transposed them myself. And I'm a little sketchy on this line - I listened to this line over and over like 10 times, still can't figure it out!

A Song of Strength

2009-10-12T13:36:00.001-05:00

What do you do
when the life you planned is shattered
and what do you say
when the one you love is gone
how do live
seems like no hope for tomorrow
pain doesn't care where you live or who you are

(chorus)
Lord you see my life is broken
and i don't know what to do
my life's being changed, help me remain
i will count on you
when i cant see
i know you'll guide
when i cry out
i know you feel
now I'm praying
i know you hear
I'm praying for healing
i know you heal

(verse 2)
who do you call
when no one has the answer
where do you go
when the place you've known is no more
when will they stop
all these tears they just keep fallin
pain doesn't care where you live or who you are

repeat chorus

(channel)
we ask you to forgive
and we will do the same
as we recieve your love
and we'll take this time to heal

(chorus 2)
hold on and wait just a little while
he'll bring a song of strength in the midnight
touch our lives with your lovin' hands
hold on
hold on

Yearning

2009-09-21T23:50:00.000-05:00

I have such a yearning for that person who just gets me for me.
Who understands my dreams.
Understands who I am.
How I think.
Why I think the way I think.
What motivates me.
What upsets me.
What hurts me.
What makes me cry.
What makes me laugh. (Ok maybe not this one - everything makes me laugh)

Nobody but God understands all of that me.
He is enough - but he did create the desire of a help meet for a reason.

I Trust You - James Fortune & FIYA
(spoken)
One of the most difficult things to do is
find yourself in a storm and
while in that storm it seems like everyone who you
thought you could count on has
well walked away; and

Sometimes it seems like even God Himself has
forgotten about you.
But in spite of it all you should still be able
to lift your hands and say
"Lord, I trust You"

Even though I can’t see
and I can’t feel your touch
I will trust you Lord
how I love you so much
though my nights may seem long
and I feel so alone
Lord my trust is in you
I surrender to you

so many painful thoughts
travel through my mind
and I wonder how
I will make it through this time

everything that i see
tells me not to believe
but I’ll trust you lord
you have never failed me
my past still controls me
will this hurt ever leave?
I can only trust you
no one else like you do

but I'll trust you
Lord it’s not easy
sometimes the pain in my life
makes you seem far away
but I’ll trust you
I need to know you’re here

through the tears and the pain
through the heartache and rain

I Need You To Breakthrough

2009-09-16T15:20:00.000-05:00

I sing all the songs
I read all about you
I know right from wrong
What does it amount to
If my life doesn't show
How much I love you

I need you to breakthrough
Tear down the walls
Let everything fall
'cus I want to praise you
Nothing between you and me
I need you to breakthrough

I know there is more
I've yet to discover
so many things
you want to uncover
I've been scratching the surface
I want to go deeper

I need you to breakthrough
tear down the walls
let everything fall
'cus I wanna praise you
let nothing between you and me
I need you to breakthrough

break through the pride
break throuh the shame
I've had enough
of staying the same
break through the fear
open the gate
I'm getting tired
of playing it safe

I need you to breakthrough
tear down the walls
let everything fall
'cus I want to praise you
Nothing between you and me
I need you to breakthrough
tear down the walls
let everything fall
'cus I want to praise you ('cus I want to praise you)
Nothing between you and me
I need you to breakthrough
I need you to breakthrough (Breakthrough)
Breakthrough

Breakthrough - Everybody Worship

I LOVE this song - whew it's SO powerful! The words I italicized whew...I've truly been scratching only the surface! I want to go so much deeper! To tear down all the walls I've built on purpose and even the subliminal walls I've thrown up without even thinking! I'm getting tired of being the same!

I need you to breakthrough!

2009-09-07T23:17:00.000-05:00

Letting all of this go,
letting all of me show
I've got nothing left to lose.

Getting tired of the fight,
God I need a place to hide,
I've got a broken soul tonight.

And the silence is so thick,
it's filling up my life,
it's coming from the crevices and spilling out the sides,
and I'm left with reading all these lines, plaguing my mind

Can you do what you say you can do?
Take shattered dreams and make them new.
Can you be who you say you can be?
A friend for me, a friend for me.

-Saw this on FB, lyrics just stood out to me. I dunno where the real song came from, but I like it.

His Anointing

2009-09-01T15:08:00.003-05:00

Eyes have never seen,
Minds have never dreamed.
Thoughts have never conjured up.
Men try to tear it up.
I know what it is, I know what it is.
It's the anointing, it's the anointing.

Books try to explain
Movies try to portray
Novelties dress it up
Documentaries mess it up.
I know what it is, I know what it is.
It's the anointing, the anointing

In a world where doubting faith
is running at an all time high.
Lord equip me with more, more of your power from on high

Surround me with your anointing
Endow me with your anointing
Douse me with your anointing
Your anointing
As I come and I go, use me as I flow in your anointing

Mountains can be moved and demons removed.
Blinded eyes opened up, diseases can be cleared up.
Does anybody know what it is, that anointing

Equip me as I come and I go, use me as I flow in your anointing
Move me out of the way , so your work can be done
I'm ready Jesus, I'm ready for it, take me to a new place in you.
I'm gonna stay right here till I get my fresh touch.

Anointing - J. Moss
Nobody says it like J. Moss...love it!

Wrestling

2009-08-29T16:56:00.001-05:00

Read this today on SCL (Stuff Christians Like)

Love it.

"I once wrote about something that my counselor said when I told him I felt like I was wrestling with God on some issues. He said, "God loves that." This is not the answer I was expecting. I thought he would say, "You need to trust the Lord more." Or "You need to let go and let God." But he didn't say that. Instead he remarked, "Jon, do you know what is true about wrestling? Have you ever stopped to think about the nature of wrestling? God loves to wrestle with us, because you can't wrestle with someone who is far away. They have to be close to you. It's a very intimate, personal activity." And I think he was right. I think that God wants me close. I think He wants me near to His side, close enough to feel His breath and know His strength. And when I approach to wrestle over an issue with Him, like Jacob wrestling, I don't think He is angry. I think He is happy, because I am close. Sure, I want to surrender and trust without question, but I no longer see wrestling as instant failure." Jon Acuff - SCL

Crushing...Bad...Sigh

2009-08-26T00:36:00.001-05:00

I don’t know but
I think I maybe
Fallin’ for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I
Know you better

I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head

I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

Through It All

2009-08-18T14:29:00.003-05:00

Can I write a song for you?
When I'm feeling blue
When I'm down and no one's there
or compose a melody that's in the
key of love, when no one cares.
Or can I smile, can I smile
when it's not always worth my while
Can I trust in you when I'm going through
in the middle of my trial.

And through it all
through all the hurt
and all the pain that does surround you
and through it all
and through it all I will be there.
Just call my name, I'll be right there
to wrap my loving arms around you
and through it all
and through it all I will be there

See but it's so much easier said then done
to trust you even when the hard times come.
But when my faith begins to fade
I can hear your voice say
I'm here to catch you when you fall, I'm right here.
There is no way out when you need a miracle, I'm right here
and even when you walk away from me, I'm right here
Through it all I'll never leave you

And through it all
through all the hurt
and all the pain that does surround you
and through it all
and through it all I will be there.
Just call my name, I'll be right there
to wrap my loving arms around you
and through it all
and through it all I will be there

When you can't fight the faith
been hurt so many times your heart won't stop aching
and you been praying for a brighter day
and you've been feeling like your prayers are not enough
but don't you dare give up
square your shoulders, hold your head up
learn to trust in me,
Cus I'll be right there, right there, right there through it all.

And when you can't fight the pain and the heart ache
and you feel like your prayers are not enough
and you can't find the strength to make it thru the day
look up, for all your help comes from above.

Love Song

2009-08-18T02:13:00.003-05:00

This is a love song to my friend
Above, he's the one
who looked beyond all my faults
and showed me real love.
He loved me back into life,
he loved me despite the price.
He cares for me, really cares for me.
That's why I love him deeply.
See, so many came into my life
and they left me with a broken heart.
But never again, for now I know
who loves me the most, and
I'll never go back again.
From the bottom of my heart, to the depths of my soul.
I love you

I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you

And I don't care who knows exactly
how I feel, I'll shout it from the
mountain tops, your love is so real.

I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you

Itching for a Change!

2009-08-05T17:46:00.002-05:00

Itching for a change. A big, serious, supernatural change. A change in me. A change in my heart & mind. A change in our church. A change in the music. A change in the College & Career group. Just a change.

I have so many passions and dreams. Some of these dreams I know came from God.
I want to rise up, be a leader, bless someones life. I want that if I pass before the Lord comes, that people can view my funeral and say, "Thank you for giving to the Lord, I was a life that you changed." NOT IN ANY WAY to up talk me. I want to make a difference. Make a difference enough to change the way things are for the better.

Lord you know my heart, my mind. Help me be patient in waiting. Help me to stay in your will, even if it means standing still for however long you want. No matter the cost or how hard.

I'm not gonna lie - I'm frustrated, burdened, my passions weigh heavy, heavy on my heart and soul. I need to feel & hear the abundance of rain. In so many areas. Praying.

There was an old prophet who dared to take a stand
For the prophets of Baal desecrated their land
sleeping with the enemy while falling to idolatry
God's chosen people forgot who they were called to be
So Elijah said, "If Baal be God, then follow him
But if the Lord, if He be God Then follow him.

I'm sending the fire,
I'm sending the flame.
I hear the sound of the abundance of rain,
For those who would dare to call on my name.
I'm sending the fire,
I'm sending the fire.

So Elijah said, "Now I've had enough
I'm tired of you messing with God's holy stuff
So let's build an altar, prepare a sacrifice
We're gonna see who is God
We're going to see who's the Christ
And the God who answers by fire let Him be God
I said, that the God who answers by fire
Let Him be God.

Now just like the prophets of Baal way back then
This generation has fallen into the same kind of sin
The money god, the lust god, the god called religion
Allah, Hindu, Buddha, New Age
We can't make a decision
But the God who answers by fire
Let Him be God
I said, that the God who answers by fire
Let him be God.

There's an Elijah generation that's rising in this hour
forerunners for Jesus filled with glory with power
Voices in the wilderness preparing the way
This is the generation that is seeking my face
for I am the God who answers by fire,
I am your God.
I am the God who answers by fire,
I am your God.

Fire, fire.
We need the Holy Ghost.
We need the Holy Ghost.
Fire.

I'm Sending the Fire - Eddie James

It's Where I Belong....

2009-07-20T10:18:00.000-05:00

Father I am waiting,
I need to hear from You.
To know that You're approving
of what I say and do.

Cause nothing really satisfies
like when You speak my name.
So tell me that You'll never leave
and everything will be okay.

In Your presence, all fear is gone,
in Your presence.                     
In Your presence, is where I belong,  
in Your presence.                     

Father I'm returning
the things I used to do.
Cause somewhere on the journey
I think I lost hold of the truth.

But nothing really satisfies
like when You speak my name.
So tell me that You'll never leave
and everything will be okay.

In Your Presence - Jason Upton

Less of me, more of you.

2009-07-06T02:09:00.003-05:00

[Verse:]
I need your glory
I want your glory, Less
Of me and more of you
Is what I need
Show me you glory, show
Me your power, less of me
And more of you is what I
Need

So many times I tries my
Way, but all of the pain
Didn't go away I realize
That only you could give
Me this love that is so
True [repeat choir]

I Need Your Glory - James Fortune & FIYA

I heard this song at camp (I think lol). Wasn't overly impressed with it. Then I just bought this James Fortune & Fiya CD, which I seriously cannot believe I'd not bought sooner (I've only had one song prior to now) - obviously now I know it was God's timing. Wouldn't you know it - song #5 was this one - and here we are - up at 2:15, the song on repeat and the tears stream down my face.

In the midst of my discouragement I've been battling today, my need for him, his glory, his power is what I need the most. I've tried my way, sure I'll still try my own way at times, but it never will cease to shove me back to him, realizing that only he can give me the love that is so true.

Less of me.
More of him.

Excited about our C&C Closer Retreat this upcoming weekend. I hope it's a time of true refreshing, that attitudes aren't hot, and everyone gets along amidst our own trials and emotions. I know I need it, deeply. I need a true refreshing of my dreams, of my goals, of my vision, of my passions, of my burdens. They are slowly coming back, but it does take time. God's time.

Alright - off to try to sleep...again...with less of me, more of him on my lips.

All Hail The King

2009-06-30T01:22:00.002-05:00

All Hail the King
He stands in His honor
And speaks what is true
He is the King of Glory
Holy Spirit flowing through
All hail the King
All hail the royal majesty
From creation until eternity
His train fill's the temple
Shekinah Glory surrounds His throne
All hail the King
Until eternity, forever

All Hail the King - Shekinah Glory Ministry

This song is amazing! If only we all had this much adoration for our Lord and savior as we should! This is my desire more and more every day. Until eternity, forever.

I got married at camp. Haha...Bro. Jimmy Toney preached the night services. All I can say is wow. He spoke to me every, single night. He married every young person that was willing to lay down before the Lord there all. In sickness and in health. For richer or poorer. Here is my heart Lord. It's yours.

Amazing, amazing services. I had the best time in the services. Being in the alter with my girls. My passion just deepened. I don't know where it's going, or when. But something is boiling in the pot. Has been for a while, I know. His timing I'm praying. Rough...really rough. But will be so worth it, when it comes to pass.

Serving Him, Convictions Unchanged, My Need for Him Still Remains

2009-06-01T20:40:00.002-05:00

The chorus on this song stands out to me like a bolt of lightening.

I want my need for him to remain the same each day after day. That the way I serve him, when all the world is quiet, is still the same way I serve him when I'm in front of the whole church, or at work, or around a group of friends.

That my convictions won't ever change. No matter what I face, the things I go through, the things that burden my heart and soul - I won't back away from the sacrifice.

I'm still as heavily burdened as I was in the post before - but I'm not backing away from the sacrifice of the burden. I'll carry the weight if it means I helped a soul find their way back to the ground, that they find their balance again and began to find their own convictions again.

Lord help me to stay serving you the same day in and day out. That I never falter in my love for you, or my praise, or my thanks.

If College & Career will open up their minds, and hearts, we are about to bust out church! Watch out! I'm not going back, our past is behind us!! We're starting our own Commentary on the book of Ecclesiastes, and I'm excited! It's a whole confusing, but not, at the same time book on the character of Wisdom. I pray we all have the wisdom to just open our minds and let God work through us as a whole, and as individuals.

I know here lately, if I could chop off my hands, and feet, and cut out my vocal cords and put them on a silver platter (Weird the way I said that but that's how passionate I feel.) , I would hand them to the Lord, and say here Lord, please use me, take my hands and my feet. No matter the sacrifice, I AM moving forward in you.

It is so amazing to me how you can be so heavily burdened, but at the same time SO full in him. How can people not crave to serve him?

Stand Amazed - 33 Miles
I don’t really know how long forever is
But that’s how long I’m gonna give my life
Everything I face, it tries to tear me down
No I won’t back away from the sacrifice
I won’t forget what you’re love means to me
You’re always there to light my way

(Chorus)
When all the lights go down and the world is quiet
No one is around
I wanna be the same man that will serve you then
Like I serve you now
That my convictions never change
O let my need for you remain
As real as the moment I was saved
I will always stand amazed

Sometimes my heart desires such selfish things
When the moment comes help me to trust
Something better that you have for me
If I could just hold on to you enough
I won’t forget what you’re love means to me
You’re always there to light my way

Chorus

You will be my strength when I am weak
When I wanna give in and not turn the other cheek
Let this be the prayer that I speak
That I speak

~be not conformed to this world - STAND OUT~

2009-05-31T19:22:00.004-05:00

I gotta tell you - I'm fighting mad. I'm tired of the people who sit on the pew, service after service, KNOWING they need to get up and surrender, and they just sit there. HOW CAN YOU DO THAT? I don't get it...what is holding you back. What is SO important, that you cannot surrender and let the chains be broken.

The devil is tempting those on every side, but we've ALREADY WON. So what is the problem?!? Why are you still giving him the victory?!!? I gotta tell you, I left service today so frustrated. I know I shouldn't be. Frustration = unbelief in what God can do, I KNOW he is gonna prevail. In all stituations - but I was frustrated...how can you sit thru a service, thru a message that is so directed at you, if it were a snake it'd bite you!!! How I ask?!?! How can you do it?

My heart mourns so bad for those that are so bound in their shackles, they can't even break free enough to "START" running the race. You come, day in and day out, service after service, but what for? You act as though it's a chore, like you're doing your Sunday duty of clocking in for service, and then out.

I know, we're supposed to give people "time" to change from the inside out, but some of you aren't even changing! You say you are, you say you need to get back to where you need to be, but instead you shut out the people who will help you get there, and run back to save that friendship that's pretty much run you into the ground in the first place "because they are all you've known the past five years".

I'm so burdened. These feeble word attempts to express it don't even do it justice. I'm so heavy, we are in a spiritual war. It IS serious, and people are going day to day like it's not happening. Please, PLEASE God WAKE THEM UP!

Stand Out - Tye Tribbett & G.A.
[speaking: Tye Tribbett]
When the enemy comes in like a flood,
The spirit of the Lord will raise up a standard against him.
I see the enemy coming in like a flood in our houses, in our churches, in our families.
But what I don't see is the standard. People of God where's the standard at?
We in a war y'all. It's time to stand OUT!

[G.A.:]
It's about to go down. The battle has begun.
It's time for you to choose, whose side you gonna be on.
The devil is recruiting, temptin' every man.
But he's already defeated, all we have to do is stand.
No time for mixing light with the darkness.
Be black or be white, no more shades of gray.
Be separated, be holy, no matter what you do, don't bow.
And even if you stand alone, stand anyhow.

[G.A.:]
Rise up people, put on your strength.
There's a war going on and we will win.
Stand up and fight, let the kingdom prevail.
With power and might, we will stand out.

Stand out!
[G.A.:] Stand out!
Be not conformed to this world.
[G.A.:] Stand out!
Be transformed, renew your mind.
[G.A.:] Stand out!
Just like the three Hebrew boys,
[G.A.:] Stand out!

God is playin' it cool, don't wanna rub nobody the wrong way.
Almost like we're trying to fit in. Acting like we don't know the name.
It's time for us to stand out and go against the grain.
Forget tryin' to be down, let the world know you've been changed.
How you gonna be the praise leader? But you listen to R & B?
And hip-hop is on your ringtone. I'm trynna tell you God ain't pleased.
And since when did it become cool for you to live together unmarried?
Men with men?
Women with women?
I'm tellin you God ain't gon' have it.

It's time to recognize.
The war it's in disguise.
No time for compromise.
Wake up open your eyes.
[together:] The devil is a LIE!
You must be hot or cold.
You can't blend in the crowd.
It's time for God's people ta -

2009-05-26T13:14:00.002-05:00

Whew - I was privileged to go sing with the praise team at Brother Kight's 40th anniversary service in Victoria, Texas. They played a song in the slide show they did, and it's been on my mind ever since. But I couldn't find it, so finally I succumbed emailed Pastor - and he called and got me a number. I called and spoke with the lady who did it and I found the song!

Gives me chills listening to it. I'm so glad he is faithful to the end. It's a comfort to the depths of my soul! *song is now on repeat for the rest of the day haha*

Faithful One - Selah

I find no hope within to call my own
For I am frail of heart, my strength is gone
But deep within my soul is rising up a song
Here in the comfort of the faithful one

I walk a narrow road through valleys deep
In search of higher ground, on mountains steep
And though with feet unsure, I still keep pressing on.
For I am guided by the faithful one.

Faithful, faithful to the end,
My true and precious friend,
You have been faithful,
Faithful, so faithful to me

I see your wounded hands, I touch your side
With thorns upon your brow you bled and died
But there’s an empty tomb, a love for all who come
And give their hearts to you, the faithful one.

Faithful, faithful to the end,
My true and precious friend,
You have been faithful,
Faithful, so faithful to me

And when the day is dawned and when the race is run
I will bow down before God’s only Son
And I will lift my hands in praise for all you’ve done
And I will worship you, my faithful one.

_swirling, swirling, thoughts, swirling, swirling_

2009-05-24T15:31:00.003-05:00

I'm so restless today. I can't even begin to describe what's going on in my head.
I have a billion songs going thru it. Being in a place of holding, waiting on God to show you where or what to do next is so hard. You cry out for him, ask for direction, for guidance, and sometimes he is just silent. Silent as silent can be. That human side of you rages up, angry at him sometimes. Why God?!?! Please give me an answer, I need answers, guidance & direction. The truest test is in the silence. In the waiting.

But...
I'm not going back. I'm moving ahead.
I'm running after you. You've become my souls delight.
Here with YOU I find my life.
I need a peace beyond my own understanding. I want to feel it fall like rain.
There is just something about that name. All authority is in that name.
All power is in that name.
The more that I seek you. The more I find of you.
I want to just lay back against you and breathe. Just feel my Lord's heartbeat.
Angels bows before him. Heaven and earth adore him.
For every mountain you've brought me over. For every trial you've seen me thru.
There is a silent war, that's raging deep within me. My spirit man is poised and locked in battle.
A voice of desperation in my cry. Lord strengthen me that I might not, yield myself to sin.
Lord I hunger for holiness. I thirst for the righteousness that's yours.
Lead me Lord I will follow. Wherever you open the door.
I will worship while I wait. I will praise while I wait.
Breathe on me. Power of God come in and CHANGE me.

Awesome In this Place

2009-05-12T21:59:00.001-05:00

As I come into Your presence
Past the gates of praise
Into Your sanctuary
Til we're standing face to face
I look upon Your countenance
I see the glory of Your Holy face
I can only bow down and say...

You are awesome in this place, Mighty God
You are awesome in this place, Abba Father
You are worthy of all praise
To You our lives we raise
You are awesome in this place, Mighty God

Awesome In This Place - Natalie Grant

Wwooo love this song! I wish we sang it more! And sang the verse!!

-Every Hour Breathe On Me-

2009-05-10T02:09:00.002-05:00

This song's on my heart right now. I've got it playing on my ipod over and over. Verse 1 is my favorite. Actually I guess I love both verses. They hit home right now. Kind of goes along back with that post about touching the hem of his garment. In humble adoration, kneeling before his throne, his feet. Gotta come in brokenness, and seek ONLY his face. Nobody else's. Sometimes that's the struggle right there - we're too worried about what everyone else thinks/does/says/wants. When we need to shut them out and just seek ALONE his face. Only then will the breathe of God come in and make me whole. Completely.

And then the cry isn't come in and make me whole anymore, it's God I'm ready to surrender, ready to give my life over, ready for you to use me. To the fullest capacity I'm capable of.

Overwhelmed right now. With a lot of things. Not just the song.

Natalie Grant does a great version of it - by adding I Need Thee to the end.
Breathe On Me/I Need Thee Every Hour

In humble adoration
I kneel before Your throne
In brokenness I seek
Your face alone
Above You there’s no other
Who’s able to restore my soul
Come and make me whole

Breathe on me
Power of God come in and change me
You are all I need
Holy Spirit breathe on me

I’m ready to surrender
To give You all my life
No matter what the cost or sacrifice
Reveal to me Your calling
Cleanse me from my prideful ways
Use me now I pray

Breathe on me
Power of God come in and change me
You are all I need
Holy Spirit breathe on me

I will say of the Lord
He is my strong tower
My rock and my fortress in whom I trust
In times of the storm and in tribulation
He is my help and my salvation

Oh breath of God
Restore my soul

I will say of the Lord
He is my strong tower
My rock and my fortress in whom I trust
In times of the storm and in tribulation
He is my help and my salvation

Breathe on me
Power of God come in and change me
You are all I need
Holy Spirit breathe on me

I need Thee how I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O Bless me now my Savior
I come to Thee

I Need A Gentle Heaven Breeze

2009-05-06T13:45:00.000-05:00

Not by my works, but by your work in me!

2009-04-22T15:44:00.002-05:00

VERSE 1
Accepted, Highly favored of the Lord
Forgiven, By your love I am restored
Not what I’ll do, but what you’ve done for me
And by your grace oh God, I stand
With my head held high

I receive Your love, I receive Your love for me
I receive Your love
I know I am accepted

VERSE 2
Established, Ever blameless in your Son
Forever, I am chosen to be loved
Not by my works, but by your work in me
And by your grace oh God, I stand
With my head held high

I receive Your love, I receive Your love for me
I receive Your love
I know I am accepted

BRIDGE
Behold all things, have been made new
My past has gone, my shame renewed
You gave your Son, Your love for me
Now at the cross, I’ve been made free

I receive Your love, I receive Your love for me
I receive Your love
I know I am accepted
I Receive - Israel Houghton -

I LOVE this song. I didn't at first. But man once I stopped and listened to the words. whew....

Happy Administrative's Professional's Day

2009-04-22T12:57:00.002-05:00

Flowers from Kevin & Lori.
Susie emailed me first though.
(I think that was more meaningful than the flowers. Sigh. I miss her)

Moving Forward

2009-04-19T01:26:00.004-05:00

What a moment
You have brought me to
Such a freedom I have found in You.
You're the healer
Who makes all things new
Yeah yeah

I'm not going back
I'm moving ahead
Here to declare to you
My past is over in You
All things are made new
Surrendered my love to Christ
I'm moving moving forward

You have risen
With all power in Your hands
You have given me
A second chance

Hallelujah hallelujah
Yeah, yeah, yeah

You make all things new
Yes
You make all things new
And I will follow You
Forward

I'm moving forward. No matter the price. No matter how hard. No matter the loneliness. No matter whose along side me. "I" will win. "I" will succeed. "I" will meet Christ on his throne. I will follow you forward.

B r o k e n | H a l l e l u j a h

2009-04-07T22:17:00.004-05:00

With my love and my sadness
I come before You Lord
My heart’s in a thousand pieces
Maybe even more

Yet I trust in this moment
You’re with me somehow
And You’ve always been faithful
So Lord even now

When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah

Oh Father, You have given
Much more than I deserve
And I have felt Your hand of blessing
On me at every turn

How could I doubt Your goodness
Your wisdom, Your grace
So Lord hear my heart
In this painful place

Chorus

Hallelujah
I lift my voice
Your Spirit moves
I raise my hands
I reach for You

Broken Hallelujah - Mandisa Hundley

WHOA - This is an AMAZING song. When I'm browsing itunes I browse like thru millions of artists - and I was at Kirk Franklin - And I moved to his song he did with Toby Mac - and Toby Mac had this lady Mandisa in it - She was eh alright - I moved to Yahoo Music to watch the music video - and then back to itunes - haha and started browsing her CD that just came out end of March - and stumbled across this song. Now if you have itunes you know that the previews are like geez all of five seconds - so I was like arg should I buy it? So I looked up the lyrics - OMG tears started rolling down my face. So I bought the song lol -

How humbled do you have to be to reach out to the Lord and sing a broken Hallelujah - oh man wow. How moving. I'm so in awe of him right now. We're always taught or guided or encouraged to praise him in the good and the bad - and even though Hallelujah is the highest praise you can give to the Lord - I think in a way we still associate it with a good praise. But sometimes it's not always - it's a praise that's in the bad times - that even though the world is swirling around you, you doubt, you don't trust, you worry, your anxious, you can't sleep, you can't cry - but you attempt that feeble broken Hallelujah - the Lord, I think he weeps. He weeps for your pain, weeps for the hurt, weeps for the confusion, weeps that you are still in your own feeble attempt trusting him to take care of you - and give him praise, give him Broken Hallelujah's - no matter how you feel.

I'm so humbled to serve a God like mine - SO humbled.

I'm about to go to Holiday Youth Convention on Thursday - and I'm praying so hard, that the young people, and the College & Career members that go this year - that we all are soooo blessed. We all need it - it's okay to say that I think. I pray for Sue, and for Ryan, and for my brother. And for all the young people. I pray for Andrea and Keith that they can be renewed. I know my Nandie needs it. I worry - but I pray that our feeble broken Hallelujah's just reach the Lord and he comes down and gives sweet, refreshing rain that we so badly need. I'm excited - I know Bro. Scott Graham is going to be a great conduit the Lord wants in those services. I'm going with high expectations - and with a God like mine, he won't let me down!

From These Lips of Clay I sing Hallelujah!

2009-03-31T21:36:00.005-05:00

Lord we've come to worship
we've come to worship our king.
Lord we've come to worship
to lift our voices and sing.

Your praise, Your honor
and glory, your worthy.
So we send up this offering.

Lord we've come to worship
we've come to worship our king.
Lord we've come to worship
we lift our voices and sing!

Hallelujah (Lord we yield to your throne and say)
Hallelujah (Lord we bow right now and say)
Hallelujah (we've come, we've come, we've come)
to worship!

Hallelujah (From our lips of clay we say)
Hallelujah (From our hearts with praise we say)
Hallelujah (No other reason, oh yea)
we've come to worship

Hallelujah (Your our king thats why we sing)
Hallelujah (Your the one up on the throne)
Hallelujah
we've come to worship!

Hallelujah (we love, love, love you Lord)
Hallelujah, Hallelujah we've come to worship!

We've Come to Worship - West Coast Christian Tabernacle!

Found a new CD - it's a mainly Hispanic choir out in California! They are FABULOUS! I'm addicted! Officially! I looooovvvveeeeeee the words to this song. It's sooooo full of worship!

This is what choir is supposed to be about! I miss the days when choir was so full like this. Now it's all contemporary, solo-less, small-grouped, and unison!! lol I'm not bitter or anything =)

I love to sing. More than pretty much anything. Yes, there are several other areas of ministry God is using me, and will use me in the future, but I still feel this part of me, of my singing, that hasn't been used to the fullest like God wants. I know in due time he'll help me break out of my shell, and I'll sing something greater like I've never done. But until that time, my heart yearns for it. Not for the spotlight, I definitely don't crave that. But I yearn to let my heart sing it's real song. God's working on that though - it's up to him and his time.

There are times just me and God during a Sunday afternoon, I've got my stereo all the way up to 30 (as high as the volume will go lol), and I'm just entranced in his presence. Just singing, me and God. My brother always asks me why I never sing in church like I do in my room. I can't ever give him an answer. Maybe that's just what God wants, maybe he just wants me all to himself until it's time! I just love to sing - there are no words to describe that part of my heart. No one gets the depth of it. The strength of it. The yearning. Sometimes it confuses me, because I don't know why. It's not my only heart-yearn. But it's a huge one. I dunno - maybe this song will bless you as much as it did me.

p.s. West Coast Christian Tab ain't on YouTube lol - I bought the CD on itunes!

"I am a LIFE, that was Changed"

2009-03-25T12:22:00.004-05:00

Thank you for giving to the Lord,
I am a life that was changed.
Thank you for giving to the Lord,
I am so glad you gave.

Ray Boltz - Thank You for Giving to the Lord

We had a great saint of the cross pass away over the weekend.
They sang this at his funeral on Tuesday. I grew up listening to this song. My Mom used to sing it as a special. I love this song.

My heart was so full yesterday. It was bittersweet to see him pass on. But to sit and know that saints of the most high regarded him in that honor. To sing "thank you for giving to the Lord, "I" am a LIFE that was changed". I want my life to reflect that so when/if the day comes for me to pass on in this life and be with my Lord, that people look upward and sing "thank you Jennifer, for giving to the Lord, I was a life that you helped change." What an honor!

I drove away yesterday - and prayed Lord please help my life to reflect you in such a way that I'm helping you change hearts and lives to live and breathe you! I was so emotional yesterday - funerals are so bittersweet, but they also cause you to pause and think about your life and where you're going. I never want my life to be without him.

Oh Lord how I hunger!

2009-03-05T23:07:00.003-06:00

There's a silent war that's raging deep within me
My lower nature fights to dominate
My spirit man is poised and locked in battle
With the carnal side of me I've grown to hate.

The trumpet of my prayers plays toward Heaven
A voice of desperation in my cry
Lord, strengthen me that I might not yield myself to sin
But keep Your righteous banner lifted high.

CHORUS
Lord, I hunger for holiness
And I thirst for the righteousness that's Yours
That my mind would be cleansed
And my spirit renewed
And this temple that You dwell in would be pure.

The tempter stalks about me as a lion
Searching for the slightest scent of blood
For when the skin of my resistance is broken
He moves in swiftly to deepen the cut.

Oh, Lord of all Creation, hear Your servant
You understand the weaknesses of man.
I'm counting myself crucified with Jesus
Alive to Christ and dead indeed to sin.

Hunger for Holiness - Carman

This songs been on my mind all evening. The Lord understands my weakness'. Die daily...isn't that what his word says? And you truly do every single day.

We've been talking in our C&C class on Sin. They probably think I don't pay attention, or close enough when certain class members get up to speak haha, but I really do - I just take things in so differently than most people. Sometimes I hate that our class is over in 45 mins. There is not enough time to just SLOW down and really teach it. It's all so rushed. *shrug* - I'm just a slow thinker, slow learner when it comes to stuff like that. Give me a computer and whabam I know it instantly, but not that. I dunno why - Arg I've gone off on a tangent.

Anyways - Lord's working - as usual. Maybe I'm becoming more vulnerable to him, maybe it was my lil man Davis' birth. I've just been emotional this week. Someone close to my heart made me tear up this afternoon at work. I was just overcome with love and I can't even describe it. Some would say I was weird for feeling that way, but I dunno. I've never had someone impact my world, my heart, my life, my mind so much as this family, other than the Lord of course. Anyways I hope the lyrics snag on your heart as they do mine. You know how I am with songs. =)

Me Without You is a Lie

2009-02-19T14:52:00.002-06:00

You changed my world
When You came to me
You drove a passion
In my soul down deep
Lord, to follow You in everything

I don't want to go somewhere
If I know that You're not there
'Cause I know that me without You is a lie
And I don't want to walk that road
Be a million miles from home
'Cause my heart needs to be where You are
So I don't want to go

So come whatever
I'll stick with You
I'll walk, You'll lead me
Call me crazy or a fool
For forever I promise you that...

Without Your touch
Without Your love
Filling me like an ocean
For Your grace is enough
Enough for me
To never want to go somewhere
If I know that You're not there

I want to always make sure I'm never enough without the Lord. Because then my life would be a lie. I want to make sure that if I veer off the path, that I find my way back to it. To make sure that my life isn't without him. Cause my heart needs to be right where he is.

Toy Box Gang

2009-02-13T01:28:00.002-06:00

Huh-LAIR-E-OUS!! Found these off KrazyDelicious Blog!!
The voices are hysterical!

While I'm Waiting

2009-01-30T00:54:00.002-06:00

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

While I'm Waiting - John Waller

WOW - Such amazing lyrics. I can't find the words to say right now. But these lyrics do a fraction of justice to the emotion going on inside.

"I Know"

2009-01-27T01:01:00.004-06:00

I'm a horrific blogger! So much is going on in my world. I'm neglecting my blog!

School started a week from today. Totally freaked - I haven't been in school for 3 years! And the class I'm enrolled in, is the one I failed the very first semester of college I enrolled in over 5 years ago! Help!
Work went from bad to worse. I know - am I praying? YES! I feel like my prayers are going out into the wind and blowing right along with it. Don't you hate that? You KNOW God is there, and you KNOW he is listening, but nothing is changing! I know that's his way - and in HIS time change will come, but shew its HARD!
That fraction of a glimmer of hope you had in something - felt like it went back into hiding.
My new WALK-IN closet is finally complete! I'm ecstatic! It is truly a work of art haha.
Did I mention work has me stressed to the max? I think it's what is causing me to headache.
I have a bazillion Graphic Projects I'm working on - Re-doing some stuff for our Section. Doing a postcard for our Oasis Singles Ministry, Doing a graphic/logo for a ministry we have called Linc, did/completed a Flier/Announcement for the Young Marrieds Workshop coming up Valentine's Day, and I have a Youth Rally flier due By Wednesday! Eek! But I know I can do it!

He won't give me more then I can bear, but the Lord sure does try. I guess we'll never grow, if we're never pushed. Some days (okay most) I feel that if I'm pushed anymore, I'll fall over the edge!

Feeling like a dessert, burning in the summer sun.
Parched and dry, I quietly cry for sweet relief to come.
Lord you see the salt of me, its yearning for a gentle breeze.
To bring sweet refreshing I so badly need.

-Stand Still and let God Move-

2009-01-06T10:21:00.003-06:00

Stand Still - By The Isaacs

The Father has a plan. Though it's hard to see it now
You feel you're walking all alone. But He is there no doubt
When the storm around you rages, And you're tossed to and fro
When you're faced with life's decisions, Not sure which way to go

Stand still and let God move, Standing still is hard to do
When you feel you have reached the end, He'll make a way for you
Stand still and let God move

When the enemy surrounds you, And the walls are closing in
When the tide is swiftly rising, And you wonder where He's been
Friend, there never was a moment, That His arms weren't reaching out
You can rest assured and be secure, God is moving right now

Stand still and let God move, Standing still is hard to do
When you feel you have reached the end, He'll make a way for you
Stand still and let God move

I was incredibly, incredibly ministered to this morning by a dear friend on the Apostolic Woman's Forum I post on. The Lord TRULY knows what you need, WHEN the exact moment you need it. He knew I was at the office alone, and I could just shut the door and have a big ol cry. Lord you are amazing! Thank you!

Thankful Heart

2009-01-01T23:09:00.004-06:00

Happy New Year!!! Happy new blog on the 1st day of 2009!!
I'm gonna steal my friend Rachel's idea and just write my thankfulness for people in my life!
(these are in not in order by favorite lol)

Mom & Dad - Thank you for raising me in this blessed truth, and helping to make sure my walk with God was in a church where I'd fall in love with Christ over and over again. Thank you for being the best parents a girl can have! I love you!

Paul - "hey bo" - it has been a good year watching you grow more in Christ! I know 2009 God is gonna fill you with his precious Holy Spirit! And I cannot wait to see what happens!!! I love you!

Andrea - My "honey" - I love your guts! More than words even describe. I'm SO blessed to have a best friend like you, who loves me, uplifts me, encourages me, makes me laugh, and humbles me all at the same time. I honestly don't know where I'd be without you! I can't wait to meet Davis, and give him lots-o-lovin' and teach him things to make you go arg! hehe...I adore you and Keifers, and you are truly the best leaders! You guys have helped me grow in ways unimaginable!

Pastor & Sister McLaughlin - Thank you for being the best leaders a saint could ask for. I can't even begin to count the different times this past year, where one of you have just pushed that hand upon my heart, and left an imprint! Sis M - thank you for Ladies Conf. you probably don't even remember, but you helped bless my soul on the very deep inside. Pastor thank you for letting Sis. Leah believe in me enough to start using my work! Thank you for the prayers I know go up on a weekly basis for me alone, and helping me thru tough times! Words don't even begin to describe, when you say something that had already been on my heart! (The blog below and Sunday morning's service alone proved that!!) So I'm honored, blessed, and highly favored to serve the Lord with you!!!

Delle - To my precious Delle, it is oh so bittersweet to watch you and Mooney grow and go and bless the world! I know the hearts and lives you leave imprints on will be gracious! I love you very much, and I to thank you for believing in my work enough to just let me fly with the Section 7 Youth flyers! I will never begin to try to tell of the times, that all I have to do is watch you worship & praise, and you bless me! I love my Delle!

Sue Ellen - my darlin mami , I am so blessed to have you, my new friend in my life! I prayed a long time for some girl friends, and you came along! It's exciting to watch you grow and I know 2009 is going to be a good uplifting and healing year! I love you!

Nikki - MUH Nik-ers! LOVE you! I know you work so much, and I'm praying so much that God will open a new door on that, because I do believe you will do great things in God once you're able! I pray for you lots and I would NOT be the same without you guh-friend!!!!

To My College & Career Group - 2008 was great, but 2009 is going to be SO much greater! I know God has things in store for us, that we can barely fathom! My prayers are so deep for the group, no one will ever know! I have a passion that cannot be explained, and I'm ready to go full speed ahead and grow MORE, learn more, help heal more, and love more with all of you!

To My Church Family - WOW, is all I can say! If it wasn't for the church family, where would I be! I've grown to love my church family so immensely in the past 6 months, that I've grown a new love! Going to church every week, and worshiping with all of you, has been a blessing in disguise that I didn't even know was there until God brought it to light for me! I'm so blessed to worship the Lord along side you!!

Kevin (my boss)- "Mistah Jones" if twern't fer u, I shore would not of made it thru the crazy change at work. You kept me sane, and truckin' on! I shore do hope 2009 is a great year fer us, and that you stop crashin the Jdeeerre! (texas twang is a thang we do for those wondering)

2008-12-21T14:50:00.005-06:00

You Are Not Alone - Kevin LeVar (Verse 1)
When I heard the news I saw you, and all you had to be goin’ thru. With a heavy heart I begin to pray, Father give them strength today. Now I know it wont be an easy hold, but you don’t have to travel it alone. We vow to stand beside you, millions are prayin' for you. but I’m gonna let you go to you tell us who.

(Chorus)
We want you to know, you are not alone. We're still prayin' for you as if it were our very own. Yeah, yeah. We can't say we know how you feel, but our love for you is real. Just know you are not alone, you're not alone. Just know you are not alone. (Oh mhmm) You're not alone.

(verse 2)
Right now this may seem hard to believe, but one day you're gonna see the sun shine again, you're gonna smile again. I know that it hurts right now, and our hearts reachin' out. But I hope you can feel my love, flowin’ from all of us. We love you so much.

My heart is so full today! I'm gaining so many new things from God every single day. I know I just posted, but I found this song when I was browsing for the song in the post below, and I was like okay good song, but then I watched the video, and he had like scenes of the Hurricanes we've had this year, and like 9-11, and just scenes of despair and destruction in our world. The song is about you are not alone! I started to cry, cus even in our own church there is pain - and I want people to know they are not alone! In the bridge part ( I didn't post those lyrics its mainly adlib) but he says "if you give him your pain, he'll take it away" over and over. Just give him your pain! You are not alone! I am here to help! I know it hurts, I know there is pain, but my heart is reaching out! This is something new the Lord is putting on my heart for 2009 is compassion. Is a new love for his people, to uplift, to build up, to love with my whole heart!

-Running Back To You-

2008-12-21T14:38:00.005-06:00

And I am running back to you
I see your standing there for me
Your arms are opened wide
And I don't have to cry no more
You're standing there for me and I am running back to you,
Why do I go away when I know I am no good when I'm on my own.

You told me you could keep me, but I've turned it away
I failed you so much now I don't know what to say
Using the same excuse that I am just a man
You tell me you've been there and hold your nail scarred hands so I can see
Now I know I am free
Running Back to You - Commissioned

I love this! Lord I'm running back to you! How true is it how much we turn away from God, and regardless his arms are always open for us to come back running into them. Lord I don't ever want to turn from you! I want to continue to keep running into your arms! You know what I'm going thru, you've been there before just as I have. Your nail scarred hands prove it! Now I'm free!!! I don't have to cry no more! Because you're just standing there for me! With hands wide open! Back to your peace, back to your love, back to the warm embrace that no one can replace!

-HU-LAIR-IOUS-

2008-12-15T11:14:00.001-06:00

Browsing on http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/
It's for "The Pastors Gift Guide"
This one CRACKED me up. I think I died laughing!
Pastor/Sis M. - Made me think of ya'll haha....

3. Mo' Bibles
If you ever go into your pastor's office and there aren't at least 27 Bibles, get out. Get out immediately. By law, a pastor has to own their body weight in Bibles. Big ones, small ones, short ones, tall ones. Help them out by giving them one more this holiday season. You cannot go wrong with giving a pastor a Bible. Plus, if they respond with, "No thanks, I've already read this book," you'll know church hopping season has officially started for you. That guy is whack.

-Salt & Light-

2008-12-13T00:07:00.002-06:00

WOW - is all I can say about tonight's service. Bro Doug White preached, and some may think him a little out-the-box, but he really knows how to hit home. Every single time I've ever heard him preach, its hit home so hard.

Our church was asked to host a Section 7 Home Missions Rally. So we did the music ect, and then Bro White got up to preach, and his focus was on "the rings" as he called it. I'm trying to find the scripture to which he was referring about the alter God made them built, with brass ect. But I'm not sure - but in my terms, how you can have God on the outside, be holy on the outside, but if you don't have that relationship with God on the inside, nothing else matters.

This scripture came to my mind a lot tonight during alter call;
This is the message version - I read it a lot to help me understand more clearly...

Mathew 5:13-16
13"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage.

14-16"Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.

Um - WOW? lol the part that hits me is if I lose my saltiness, how will people taste godliness!! I love that - to taste godliness! I want to be that salt & light not only to the world, but to the people in church, my friends around me, family around me. Most think of that Isreal song "to be salt and light in the world, in the world"; so when you think of world you think of people who don't know God, but I want to be that salt & light to my friends in church who do know God, I don't want to hinder them, I want to help them grow!

I was SO blessed tonight - I got such a hunger for my Lord again. It's already been creeping in, a lot of times in my nightime hour. But tonight just intensified it severely, I love it. No it may not always be easy, but it's SO worth it. I've got a hunger for holiness, a hunger for change, a hunger for revival in my College & Career group, a hunger for backslidden souls, a hunger for rain!

Thank you savior & friend!

_Be the Fire Inside of Me-Until I'm One With You_

2008-12-02T00:32:00.004-06:00

2 blogs in one day! Well its after midnight so maybe not haha....I was riding in my brothers car tonight on the way to the mall, and he had this Jesus Culture song playing called You Won't Relent.

You won't relent
Until You have it all
My heart is Yours

I'll set You as a seal upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
And many waters cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one

At one point she sings this part,

I don't wanna talk about you like your not in the room,
I wanna look right at you, I wanna sing right to you.

And that hit home - whew...I had to contain my tears, cus I was on the way to the mall. I wanted to break down and just weep. How many times do we act like God isn't even there. Like he's not in the room with me. Like he's not sitting right beside me whispering 'keep going my child'.
And then I got to thinking about the other part - about fire....how if you touch it, it BURNS. It's hot, but if you put something in the fire, it almost instantly becomes one with the flames...you can't see the difference in the thing you threw in the fire, and the fire itself.....That's what I want....yes it burns...it HURTS. Some day's I just want to weep, the fire burns.....I want him to be the fire inside of me, so all of me burns, you can't see the difference between me, this ugly flesh, and him, the burning changing flames. The beautiful part about it, is he won't relent, until he has it all, my heart.

Beginning & Ending 2008'

2008-12-01T08:58:00.003-06:00

We have this thread on AWF, about how your beginning and ending of 2008 is. I guess in regards to thanksgiving. So here goes:

~Started it in a semi 14ish/16, ending it in a 16/18! BAH!
~I started it with no girlfriends. I'm ending it with several best ones.
~I started it with being single. HA we all know the answer to this one.
~I started it confused, and fearful about why I've been going thru what I'm going thru. I'm ending it, knowing more, trusting more, and knowing God knows what I'm going thru, even though it's still kicking my rear.
~Started it struggling at my job, it got better mid-April, and went downhill after that...it's just within the past few weeks picked back up, and I'm not struggling with it anymore. (Well except coming in late HA which I don't think will never change no matter how much my boss picks at me haha.)
~Started it not caring about family other then my brother, ending it knowing family is more important then anything in the world. (By family I mean, Mom, Dad, Paul, G-Parents).
~Started it not wanting to do any ministry other then singing, ending it with singing, my severe, deep, intense, passion/burden for my College & Career group, doing art ect. for Kid-Zone, and doing A LOT of graphic work for the church/pastor/Section 7 Youth director, and LOVING IT! (Thanks Delle & Leah for believing in my work enough to give me a chance)!!

In everything give thanks, even though we go thru the things we go thru, I know that I am not alone! As my new theme states- "My clouds, My rain, My pain HAS CHANGED, your blood has made me new". Doesn't mean that the clouds, rain or pain is gone, it's just changed.

-Love-

2008-11-25T01:33:00.004-06:00

I want to know this deep emotion we call love. I want to know love on so deep a level I'm lost in it. In all area's of life. Being "in" love, more with Christ. Being in love, knowing love with that soul mate out there whomever he is. That love that comes with the newness of becoming a mother, holding that newborn child in my arms. Even the love that reaches so deep during loss.
I know it sometimes may seem repetitive, but I'm learning new things everyday. Something I've always known is shown in a different light. But the ache, so deep is still the same. Something I can't explain, or do anything about but trust. Which in itself is the hardest part.
I know I express things so much in song, guess that's my voice so to speak, look at the vast differences of love in these songs. So different, yet still so much the same. I wanna know that vast variety of love.

Your touch, Your kiss, Your grace
To me Is deeper
Than my soul can see
My purpose it changed
When I called out your name

My past has been erased
With just one touch from you
My clouds, My rain, My pain
Has changed, Your blood has made me new
My Love, My Life, My All - Kirk Franklin

Here I am again, knocking at Your door
I know that I have sinned, but please let me in
You’re used to my mouth talking, but listen to my heart
Surely You can see, I really wanna be free
I’m chasing after You, I’m such a desperate man
And if you let me catch you I’ll be
Yours, Your’s, I’m Yours

I know I said this once before
You know sometimes I change, but You remain the same
Used to sing a song because there was a song to sing
But now I sing to You my God my King
Yours, Your’s, I’m Yours

No one else can take Your place
I’ve been in love before, but no one ever made me feel this way
No longer on my own, I’m never alone
‘Cause You’re with me Lord
Lord I’m Yours, Your’s, I’m Yours
Yours - Men of Standard

Falling in love with Jesus
Falling in love with Jesus
Falling in love with Jesus
Was the best thing I ever, ever done
Falling In Love With Jesus - Kirk Whalum

All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In his presence daily live.
I Surrender All - Raylene Scarrott & Jody McBrayer

My heart will still be Yours always
My dreams will be Yours forever
I know I will find nothing has changed
Love, Love, Love (love remains)
Love remains
My soul will always be with You
My eyes will always be on You
Through it all I see, You stay the same
Love, Love, Love
Love, Love, Love remains

Love remains like an endless flame
Through the brightest joys, the darkest pain
In the end
Love Remains - Avalon

Fall On Your Knees

2008-11-12T02:14:00.003-06:00

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

Oh my goodness. I ADORE this song. As seems to be the theme these days, my favorite line of this song is "fall on your knees". Oh night divine, when our Lord was born! Fall on your knees and worship, fall on your knees in surrender, fall on your knees in humble adoration. Just fall on your knees...

-Longing for More-

2008-11-07T13:30:00.004-06:00

I've touched the hem of Your garments
And I have felt the leading of Your hand
But today, my eyes look much higher to see the face of the great "I am".

-More of You Jesus-Pocket Full of Rocks

Imagine how humble you have to make yourself be, to touch the hem of his garment.You have to be on your knees, with your face to the floor. To touch the hem, that drags the ground. An amazing humble position. One that's not always easy to get to. But once you get to that position, you'll feel his hand, saying "go this way, my child". You feel his hand, leading you down the correct path,and then you look up into his face, and cry out, "More of you Jesus, more of your face".

I must have more...

_Gentle Breeze_

2008-10-27T14:54:00.000-05:00

Feeling like a dessert, burning in teh summer sun.
Parched and dry, I quietly cry for sweet relief to come.
Lord you see the salt of me, its yearning for a gentle breeze.
To bring sweet refreshing I so badly need.

Gentle breeze from Heaven flow across my soul
Cooling, sweet refreshing rain on me.
Soothing spirit fill me till I overflow.
Gentle breeze of love bring rest to me.

Yesterday's refreshing brought a false securtity.
Cus deep inside I thought that I could make it thru the heat.
But I was wrong, and now I long for gentle breezes I have known,
to blow again and bring sweet relief.

Just what I needed. Just what I got yesterday during church. It was lovely. And then after church is over, I check my phone there is a text from my best friend (whom stayed at home sick last night), just saying how much she loved me, wished she was there to pray for me, just wanted to hold me in her arms, and that I would make it thru this. And I cried all over again. I'm so gracious for her, her prayers, her strength that never fails me. Thank you Lord for that soul friend who knows me inside and out.

-Stacked Papers-

2008-10-18T22:46:00.004-05:00

You know, sometimes it just sucks when there is about only one person you can really truly express what's going on in your head and she's married. So you really can't do it as often as you need to so you just hold it in. It's like that stack of papers on your desk, that you just keep adding to, and it gets bigger and bigger, till it eventually FALLS OVER! My stack of papers has fallen over, it can't fall over anymore its fallen so much. I'M SO THRU! And I can't talk to anyone, cus nobody gets me. Or I get pity, or I get the "spiritual - God knows" talk. I don't wanna hear that. I KNOW he knows. I KNOW he's in control. But that doesn't help me when my stack of papers is falling over, for the TENTH time in a week.

He knows, just what your going through.
He cares, he cares, the Lord's gonna care for you.
I know, he holds the future in his hand.
When you feel like giving up,
when your heart has HAD ENOUGH,
Let me say, he knows.

I do know he's taking care of my future, and what's in store. But sometimes my hope cup is empty, I can't see the end. And I'm tired...so very tired...

Footprints In The Sand

2008-10-17T00:40:00.005-05:00

Leona Lewis sings it best.

You walked with me,
Footprints in the sand,
And helped me understand,
Where I'm going,

You walked with me,
When I was all alone,
With so much unknown,
Along the way,
Then I heard you say,

I promise you,
I'm always there,
When your heart is filled with sorrow,
And despair, I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

I see my life flash across the sky,
So many times have I been so afraid.
And just when I, I thought I lost my way,
You gave me strength to carry on,
That's when you say,

I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled
With sorrow and despair
Oh, I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand.

When I'm with you,
Well I know you've been there,
And I can feel you when you say,

I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled
With sadness and despair
I'll carry you when you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand.

When your heart is full of
Sadness and despair,
I'll carry you when you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand.

List

2008-10-07T00:28:00.003-05:00

Sitting er sorta laying in my bed.
Smelling nothing, just my room smell. So maybe not nothing haha.
Listening to Just Stand Up! - The woman's cancer song created by a bunch of popular women artists.
Drinking nothing!
Reading Blogs.
Loving life.
Dreading getting up for work in the am.
Eagerly anticipating finding that love.
Worrying too much, too many lost, too many struggling, my heart aches.
Wishing to find that peace and true contentment in where/who I am right now.
Praying that what I'm doing is in his will.
Grateful for one set of two parents who still love one another.
Sharing this blog. :) (it used to be invite only)

Courtesy of Mrs G. ;)

_Here I Am Lord_

2008-09-25T22:25:00.004-05:00

Goodness its been a month since I've blogged.

Been SO busy. It's nuts to look back at my blog, and read back in like May, when I was talking about being home on a Friday night with nothing to do, or being lonely on a Sunday night, because there was nobody to go out with except guys, or teenagers.

And now? HA, all these lovely people have come into our world! My darling mami Sue Ellen, Courtney, Naomi, my like soul sister Nikki, the crazy cowboys Curtis and Garrett. We all hang every weekend now, practically ALL weekend long. I come to church on Sunday's tired lol cus we hang out so much. I love it. I wouldnt trade it. It's what I've been praying for, for months now.

We've all hung out so much now, that the trust is building up. The familiarity of being comfortable with each other. It's beautiful to see that now that the trust is growing that the spiritual trust comes to the surface. Even though we are all going thru SO much, that we don't even know about yet about each other, the alter calls are amazing. The tears that we shed, for one another trials without even knowing them. To watch Curtis and Garrett worship, the newness of it to them, brings a newness to a familiarity we sometimes take for granted. It's so beautiful! To watch Sue Ellen, Courtney and Na let God in to heal the hurts, all of us don't even know about. To watch that "gentle breeze from heaven, just flow across their soul". It's so wonderful. Even on a bad day, you just want to be left alone, there is that gentle nudge that no you prayed for this, accept it, even when you don't want to. Here I am Lord, use me.

Now Behold The Lamb

2008-08-26T00:30:00.004-05:00

If you haven't already noticed, I relate to a lot of lyrics. Guess that's the passion of a singer in me. Found this on this guys (incredibly cute guy I might add) page on Everyone's Apostolic. I'm an avid, avid Kirk Franklin fan. Seriously I have like 6 of his cd's. If itunes had more of his older ones I'd probably have more haha, but this is on one of his Christmas cd's, and I'd NEVER heard it haha. But WOW. It's AMAZING! It's been on repeat for about the past hour haha.

Now Behold The Lamb - Kirk Franklin & Family
Chorus
Now behold the Lamb
the Precious Lamb of God
born into sin that I may live again
the Precious Lamb of God (2x)

Holy is the Lamb
the Precious Lamb of God
Why You love me so, Lord
I shall never know
the Precious lamb of God (2X)

Solo1
Now behold the Lamb
the Precious Lamb of God
Born into sin that I may live again
He's the precious Lamb of God

When I always didn't do right
I went left, He told me to go right
But I'm standing right here
in the midst of my tears, Lord
I found You to be the Lamb of God

chorus
Thank You for the Lamb
the Precious Lamb of God
Because of Your grace
I can finish this race
the Precious Lamb of God

solo2
Even when I broke Your heart
my sins tore us apart
But I'm standing right here
in the midst of my tears
I claim You to be the Lamb of God

New life can begin (yeah),
for You washed away, washed away every one of my sins
Whom the Son sets free, is truly free indeed
I claim You to be the Lamb of God

chorus
Now behold the Lamb
the Precious Lamb of God
born into sin that I may live again
the Precious Lamb of God

Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh

Why You love me so, Lord
I shall never know
Why You love me so, Lord
I shall never know
Why You love me so, Lord
I shall never know
the Precious Lamb of God

Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh

Why You love me so, Lord
I shall never know
the Precious Lamb of God

uh....
uh....oh....
You love me, Jesus
You died for me, Jesus
You shed your blood for me, Jesus On Calvary.

Thank you for Being Born For Me, Jesus
Thank you Jesus
For lovin' me so
Never never never know
For lovin' me so yeah.
Thank you for your blood yeah...
Why you love me so, Lord
I shall never know
the Precious Lamb of God

So close, but so far away

2008-08-19T01:32:00.002-05:00

So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting.

Totally describes how I'm feeling right now. I need to start school this semester. But I've got NO money. And NO school thats within county to be able to register for a class like NOW. Even if I did, it's so close to time, that I'd probably not be able to register anyway, cus of the DUMB TSI ASSESSMENT TEST. That WAACK test is gonna be the death of me! AGH! I actually WANT to be in school like yesterday, and all this crap is coming up in front of me preventing it. Sigh...just bummed right now.

_A Life Without You Scares Me More_

2008-08-15T01:15:00.007-05:00

I'm so scared that you will see
All the weakness inside of me
I'm so scared of letting go
That the pain I've hid will show

I know you want to hear me speak
But I'm afraid that if I start to
I'll never stop

I'm afraid that
You will leave
As my secrets
Have been revealed
In my dreams
You'll always stay
Every breathing moment from now

I cannot hold back
The truth no more
I let you wait too long
Although it's hard and scares me so
A life without you scares me more.

Bits of verses/bridge from Last Flight Out by Plus One. One of the hardest thing a christian lady goes thru is FEAR. Fear of being vunurable to be hurt. Fear of failure in everyones eyes. Fear of love. Fear of God and his plan, and his changes, his molding hand. God I pray, please let me fear you, but in a good way. Please help me not to fear all of the unknown, but to trust. "Although its hard and scares me so, a life without you scares me more." So fitting that line is. Although the battles I face are SO hard, a life without my Savior scares me more!

sleepless, burdened, lonley

2008-08-05T22:47:00.003-05:00

Got a lot on my mind.

Very heavily burdened about some things.
And very lonely. My heart aches.

"soothing spirit fill me till I overflow,
gently breeze of love, gentle breeze of love,
gentle breeze of love, bring rain to me"

Gonna re-do my page here soon. Got a Youth Rally flyer to work on first.

2008-07-23T00:27:00.000-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

sleepless nights

2008-07-21T01:17:00.003-05:00

still up.
i dunno why.

i'm gonna be exhausted in the morning.
my head still aches. it ached all day.

got to much on my mind.
wont let me sleep.

2008-07-17T02:02:00.001-05:00

Gonna change my layout soon. Just gotta create something lol.

Whew - making some changes. Change is HARD. Ain't no lie.

Just deleted all my secular music from my itunes. I kept some slow old school clean songs, and like Michael Buble. But all my rap/hip hop/r&b, took it all off.

Pray for me! This is only step 1. Of about 1000 haha.

:::Colorstrology:::

2008-07-15T01:30:00.002-05:00

July 23rd
Nile Blue
Outgoing
Nurturing
Friendly

You have a restless spirit that craves adventure and challenge. You enjoy recognition and need to feel that you are the center of things. Love and affection are important to you. It is important for you to remain open to new opportunities and experiences. Part of your growth comes from dealing with change and unexpected occurrences. Your personal color resonates with trust and knowledge. Wearing, meditating or surrounding yourself with Nile Blue helps ease self-doubt and supports you through times of transition.

www.colorstrology.com

What is your Colorstrology?

Just Being IN His Presense is Enough

2008-06-12T23:19:00.003-05:00

Found a new artist. Her name is Briana Scott. Her latest cd was 05' but she's gospel - its hard to find like worship songs that aren't (no offense) like white/contemporary. I have a serious black/gospel side, my music has to be like that, its more emotional to me. *shrugs* lol.

I haven't blogged much. I go thru phases, when all at once I blog like 4 days in a row, then I'm like okay too much, and I close back up lol.

I'm in a strange mood tonight. I dunno how to describe it. Gotta get past that everyone's going farther then me. Where's my path? Soo tired of standing still. I mean I know I'm not. I know I'm slowly moving to where I need to be, but like at the same time I'm not moving in ALL of the other areas. Does that make sense? In case you haven't noticed I relate to songs - they explain what I feel/think/want/need to say lol. So here is one - that is my comfort in this very moment.

"In The Presence of Jehovah" - The Martins (seriously old group I know haha, but the only version I could find I liked)
In and out of situations
that tug of war at me
All day long I struggle
for the answers that I need
But when I come into His presence
All my questions become clear
And in that sacred moment
No doubts can interfere

In the presence of Jehovah
God Almighty, Prince of Peace
Troubles vanish, hearts are mended
In the presence of the King

Through His love the Lord provided
A place for us to rest
A place to find the answers
In our hour of distress
Now there's never any reason
For you to give up in despair
Just slip away and breathe His name
You will surely find Him there

In the presence of Jehovah
God Almighty, Prince of Peace
Troubles vanish, hearts are mended
In the presence of the King

In the presence of Jehovah
God Almighty, Prince of Peace
Troubles vanish, hearts are mended
In the presence of the King

- [IN] the Waiting -

2008-06-01T22:18:00.003-05:00

I try not to talk much about being lonely but today was one of those days. It was rough - and thats putting it mildly!

This morning church was good. Not like whoa something to talk about. But I got to bless the Lord and thats all that matters! Pastor was sick, so he wasn't there, and Julie's out of town. So needless to say the music was a tad off! But then after church it was just lonely! Andrea wasn't there today at all and nobody could make a decision on where to eat this morning, so I left. I was just lonely. I wanted someone to go out to eat with, sometimes the guys just kinda do there thing because other then the youth girls I'm the only girl. So I get left out. And thats rough!
And then tonights church just seemed to drag! Everyone just kinda was in the "Pastor's not here I'm just kinda lay low" mood. And after church we all went to Cheddar's! That was fun - but they are all so young. That's rough too! I know they all look up to me, and watch me, so I had to like control my emotions! But on the inside I just ache. I ache for that person who knows ME. You know? I know God has a plan, I know that. I do, and I pray everyday I know if it were your time I'd have him. But God this ache - it hurts Lord. Some day's I'm like hello Lord? Do you not feel this? And then I check myself and tell God sorry. But aggh!! Sigh - I'm just tired. There is a song by Greg Long - I'll list the lyrics. It's just a fraction of an explanation to what I feel some days.

"In The Waiting" - Greg Long

Pain
The gift nobody longs for, still it comes
And somehow leaves us stronger
When it's gone away

Pray
I try and pray for Your will to be done
But I confess it's never fast enough for me

It seems
the hardest part is waiting on You
When what I really want
Is just to see Your hand move

(Chorus)
I want a peace beyond my understanding
I want to feel it fall like rain
In the middle of my hurting
I want to feel Your arms as they surround me
And let me know that it's okay
To be here in this place
Resting in the peace that only comes
In the waiting

Time
Time to let it go and just believe
Trusting in what no one else but You can see

Free
Freedom from the fears that close me in
When I can't get beyond where I have been

But then again
The silence doesn't mean that I'm alone
As long as I can hear
That I am still Your own

(Repeat chorus)

In the waiting

Cracked & Broken

2008-05-27T22:15:00.003-05:00

I was reading a blog the other day (courtesy of Rache) and it was talking about this lady - she had just lost a child, her husband a Christian singer was out on the road, so it was just her she was driving, and God was talking to her. And he was like do you trust me? And she's like of course God I just don't get it! And God speaks to her, and tells her to throw this ceramic pitcher on the ground. So she does, and it shatters obviously, and God then says now put it back together. I'm gonna post an excerpt cus I can't quite tell it so amazingly as she did, cus it spoke to me SO much, at a dark hour the other night. I just sat and wept for like ever...It's a beautiful story and a beautiful analogy. Something I'm praying for.

"As I was driving, God spoke to me clearly, and He asked me to do something odd. I started thinking about this pitcher that I have in my house, and as soon as it came to mind, He told me to smash it. I thought about the book that said to break pottery and I kind of shrugged it off, but I really felt like that's what He wanted me to do.

Thank God my neighbors know me well enough to not call the police when I throw a perfectly good pitcher onto my front porch at ten o'clock at night. I watched it shatter, and I must apologize to the author of that book. It felt great.

I waited for a few moments, taking it in. What next? I asked.

Again, He was very clear.

Put it back together again.

What I wanted to do was go to bed, but I felt like He was meaning now, so I gathered all the pieces together and brought them in the house. I told Todd what was going on, and he took a look at the tiny shards of porcelain, knowing it was going to be a long night. I went and got the hot glue gun and sat down in the kitchen. It was hard to know where to start, but I found the lip and the handle relatively intact, and just kind of made it up as I went. I talked to the Lord while my fingers worked, and He stayed near to me. I would love to tell you that it was like a movie where it's all sweet and perfect, but the truth is that I glued my finger to it at one point and cut myself bloody several times. I thought about swear words that I wanted to say.

But, still I kept at it.

And as I worked, He let me think about my past. Mistakes that I have long regretted. I began to realize that this pitcher was my life, and every piece was part of story that He had chosen to put together. I started crying, and remembering things I thought I had forgotten. It took a long time to finish, but it was time well spent. Every nook and cranny whispered to me, until at last it stood in all its imperfection.

Here you are, Angie.

You are mended. You are filled with my Spirit, and I am asking you to pour yourself out.

The image of my life as a broken pitcher was beautiful to me, but at the same time, it was hard to look at all of the cracks.

I ran my fingers along them and told Him I wish it had been different. How I wished I had always loved Him, always obeyed Him, always sought Him the way I should. I was mad at the imperfections, years wasted, gaping holes where it should be smooth.

But God, my ever-gracious God, was gentle and yet convicting as He explained.

My dearest Angie. How do you think the world has seen me? If it wasn't for the cracks, I couldn't seep out the way I do. I chose the pitcher. I chose you, just as you are.

At the risk of sounding like a nutcase, I am going to make a suggestion.

Find a piece of pottery, and let it shatter at your feet.

Take the time to be with the Lord as you piece it together again (but beware the wrath of the glue gun...). Let Him tell you who you are, and let yourself be reminded of the grace that seals us all. You may not know Him at all, or you may be a "flannel-board Jesus" kid. It makes no difference. I am praying as I type these words that He will come to you and remind you that He loves the gaps because there is the potential for more of Himself revealed in you. Let him help you smash and rebuild his most coveted posession...you."
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/05/past-and-pitcher.html

Still Walking!

2008-05-24T20:39:00.000-05:00

Walked again tonight- Just got done! I walked around the block 6 times this time! WOOT!
So excited. I'm trying to do it 3 times a week! Keep your fingers crossed! :)

Oh and changed my layout- I created the graphic at the top! Like?

"Hometown Glory"

2008-05-24T17:00:00.001-05:00

TOTALLY addicted to this song. It's on repeat haha. (I did edit two words to something more suitable).

Hometown Glory - Adele
I've been walking in the same way as I did
Missing out the cracks in the pavement
And tutting my heel and strutting my feet
"Is there anything I can do for you dear? Is there anyone I can call?"
"No and thank you, please Madam. I ain't lost, just wandering"

Round my hometown
Memories are fresh
Round my hometown
Ooh the people I've met
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of this world
Are the wonders of my world

I like it in the city when the air is so thick and opaque
I love to see everybody in short skirts, shorts and shades
I like it in the city when two worlds collide
You get the people and the government
Everybody taking different sides

Shows that we ain't gonna stand it
Shows that we are united
Shows that we ain't gonna take it
Shows that we ain't gonna stand it
Shows that we are united

Round my hometown
Memories are fresh
Round my hometown
Ooh the people I've met

Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of this world
Are the wonders of my world

Walking - Literally and Spiritually!

2008-05-22T20:51:00.001-05:00

WOO So excited!
Tuesday was a lot better then Monday. Thankfully!

Tuesday night I walked around the block 5 times! Rache and I looked up the approximate length of a block. And with what the length measurements were, and me walking around it 5 times, its about 1/2 a mile. Give or take a few.

Then Wednesday night I downloaded some walking/techno music off itunes. So by tonight (Thursday) I was SO excited to walk!

I got out there tonight and power-walked my booty off haha! The new music was GREAT motivation. It was super overcast this evening though, so since I had choir before I started about 8:05p, so I only walked around 4 times tonight! Better then none!! I'm so stoked! I thought my ankles were gonna cave tonight though haha. I know I"m gonna be aching in the morning!

But Susie's in the office in the morning! It's Susie/Jenn catch up day! I'm so stoked! I haven't seen her in over 2 weeks! We've talked here and there, but not caught up! Annnd she has my presents from when she was in D.C. the first week, and Mexico last week! Yay!! Presents! I love presents!! So we'll see how long my Friday is! And I'm gonna walk again tomorrow night! I don't have anything to do yet so unless someone calls up (which is doubtful haha) I'm gonna walk again! And try to go SIX times!!

Saturday I've GOT to clean my room. Seriously its atrocious!
Wednesday night in College & Career class we talked on repentance. But kinda delved into it. It was very very good. I was very proud of Keith - he kinda helped class get involved in a way. It was the most open class we've had since they all took over, and in my opinion it was the best class we've had so far! It was very warm, open, and inviting. No judgment for what we had to say. And we learned some different scriptures on repentance, and how to show someone who doesn't know Christ why we need it! I liked it. I felt like I for once actually learned something and grew! Soo excited!

2008-05-19T23:33:00.001-05:00

So like had issues all day. sigh. it was an emotional, crazy day.work and non-work related.Well - I'm supposed to punch in at work. I forget, the first like 6-8 months of my job, I didn't, I tracked what I worked, and then when I went to input pharmacist payroll I just input my own. Well obviously I shouldn't of really been doing that. So I was supposed to start clocking in and out. I did it for a while, then I wouldn't, then I would. Its a hard habit to remember to do, when your not used to doing it. Well I wrote down my hours everyday last week, and input them on Friday. Shouldn't of done that. I didn't think about it, whatever, well Mike (the DM in training who nobody likes-just creepy) called me out on it, got the store manager downstairs to check my time sheet, they even checked the cameras to see if my time entered was the same as when I actually showed up. I mean seriously, if I was gonna jack time I would of done it along time ago when i started entering my own payroll. I've worked for CVS 6 1/2 years.I mean really.....So he wrote me up...well this morning I didn't even think about it, Susie asked me (she's back from Mexico btw) if I entered it last week. I said no, cus I didn't even think about it.Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. So I'm just waiting on her wrath when she finds out I didn't tell her the truth. Yea- which I mean I don't care that I got wrote up, I just didn't even think about it when I told her I didn't punch them in. She's my boss - she's who I just tell everything to I'm her right hand, in ALL of our/her faults She's an amazing boss. I missed her while she was out. So I'm afraid of what its gonna do. I dunno.

And then secondly, I have about 3 best friends on the work side, like GOOD ones. well 2 of them, have been "talking" for about 2 1/2 months maybe? Like both of them they only tell work stuff anything to me, we just trust each other you know? Well they were both afraid to tell me, cus they thought it would upset me. So like I find out they are serious about each other and havent told me. So like I wasn't upset, just kinda hurt that they thought of me so highly but couldn't tell me that. And like at the same time, I absolutly LOVE both of them to death. Derrick and I flirted when he and I first met, if I had of let it, it could of gone somehwere, but I know better, so like we got past that stage and became really good friends. I didnt evne like him like that anymore seriously. I've known him longer then I've known Monica. Monica is the one in the picture on AWF lol. She's my boo- we call each other boo. I KNOW she's searching, she's on my heart constantly. And she knows I'm pentecostal, knows what I believe cus her ex (who she still lives with conveniently) is a backslider. And she's got some health issues arising and shes like I dunno I just want to know my life is worth it. And I know she's hungry, I can like feel it. I just dunno how to reach out to her, I invite her to church often but she hasnt' come yet! So like I'm happy they want to be together and stuff, but at the same time if they end bad I'm stuck in the middle cus I love both of them lol. So anyways this was my crazy emotional day.

I swear if I wake up tomorrow and it is worse then today I'm gonna just like break down and have a cry. And who knows what else!

2007-11-23T16:53:00.000-06:00

Omg! Now I remember why I dont come to family events. Don't get me wrong, I'd do ANYTHING for my Grandparents, but everyone else? Nope sorry. If you know me, you know I dont take crap from people, I say what I'm thinking even if I shouldn't or keep my mouth shut. That's why Sondra and I are such good friends :) Although she's getting much better at it then I. But my uncle is SO rude. Seriously, nothing in the world is good enough, not even his wife my Aunt Nana. He's rude to everyone and it's only about him. I swear every single event we have family wise someone ends up talking back to him, usually me cus I cant stand the crap everyone takes from him. It's stupid, I'm sorry but he's not gonna walk all over me. I DONT do that....Ugh okay I'm done, cus I'm letting him win by even ranting about it. Whatever!!!

Tuesday Night Thoughts

2007-09-04T21:58:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder what it'd be like to go back and change something? Take back a relationship you started? Or take back a decision you made? I mean don't get me wrong, I think you make mistakes sometimes to learn something you needed to learn, but there are other ones I think you make unintentionally. Make sense?

Wow, I've just had a rush of emotions hit. A rush of memories with an old friend. I miss it. All of it. Nobody will understand. But about two people. Weird isn't it? How some people understand, and other's don't? It's like the people who understand just choose to trust what you feel, say, while other's are like that's a fairy tale. Why are you saying that. Anyways.. Guess this is all for now.

Au Revoir
Jennifer

2007-08-29T23:08:00.000-05:00

2007-08-16T00:02:00.000-05:00

mm new blog. what shall I write tonight.

*yawn* sleepy.

maybe tomorrow.